Thursday, December 12, 2013

Day 12: Rant - how not to gain weight over the holidays

On the 12th day of Advent there was a rant. A rant is defined as: “to speak or declaim extravagantly or violently; talk in a wild or vehement way; rave”. This rant will be about weight gain over the holidays. It will not be offensive to some it will be offensive to many. These types of posts are why I have a disclaimer on this blog.

So for the love of Jebus, if you get offended easily or not so easily and are super sensitive about your weight or the holidays PLEASE skip this post!!!
Photo Credit: Baked Perfection

You have been warned…
Yes it is holiday time, which means an influx of articles on how to not gain weight over the holidays. I don’t know what makes the holidays so special, as in the Christmas holidays. As far as I can tell this over eating and indulgence seems to happen every holiday, even the non-holidays like St. Patty’s day. Actually who am I kidding it’s pretty much an every day thing here in North America.

“But Andrea there are way more sweets around Christmas!” people have whined at me.

And all I can say is you obviously have never worked in an office before because you are constantly dodging sweets at every turn. Someone somewhere in that office building is either having a birthday, getting married, having a baby, getting a new job, retiring, etc., Basically there are no shortage of excuses to make a cake for. In my last area we used to have desserts every Friday and on random days just because they thought if we were high on sugar we wouldn’t mind so much being understaffed and overworked.
Photo Credit: Cupcakes Are My New Love

Hell! I used to bring baked goods to meetings where I wanted something out of people in the hopes they would put less of a fuss up if I ply them with sugar. You know what it works.

Sugar is like crack only legal.

Don’t believe me. Try hanging around someone who is trying to come off sugar. Man they can be assholes!

Still don’t believe me, I challenge you to go off sugar for 2 weeks. Actually I challenge you to go off it for 3 days. Yeah only 3 days. And I bet you can’t do it.

Oh what? You think you can do that? Well before you get all cocky and sure of yourself (like I would if I was reading this-also do remember that you are reading this post because of me being all cocky and sure of myself in the first place) go into your kitchen and read the ingredients on the labels of your food. You will be surprised at how much sugar is added needlessly to things. For example, why would you add sugar to yogurt that already has fruit in it? There is already sugar in fruit!!!! Sorry but that pisses me off.

“Andrea you shouldn’t let things piss you off so much.”

Seriously? I shouldn’t should I?? [caution rant starting]

Well let me tell you why it pisses me off so much. Because all this added sugar makes people fat and fat people get annoying when they start harassing me about my weight. Yes I have a normal weight and you are harassing me because you are fat and lazy. This is what kind of fucked up stupid world we live in, a world that adds sugar to things that already have natural sugar in them!!

Photo Credit: My Baking Addiction
No I’m not done ranting yet…

Why do you harass me about my normal weight? Is it because you can’t wrap your puny little mind around the fact that in order to lose weight you have to actually burn more calories than what you consume? And guess what? You don’t burn a heck of a lot of calories when the only exercise you do is walk the three minutes from your car to the office where there you proceed to sit on your fat ass all day and eat cake to celebrate some bullshit like daylight savings time. Yay let’s celebrate that extra hour by eating more sugar and getting fatter!!  

I swear fat makes people stupid because these same people see me coming back from the gym or a run practically every day. And I’m not one of those lame ass people who say they are going to work out and then you find them texting on the treadmill the whole time. Yeah no I actually work out, for reals. Hill sprints!!! I do fucking hill sprints people!!! And these people cannot understand how I’m not fat like them. I must be sick or something or better yet maybe I have an eating disorder. Yeah I have an eating disorder it’s called I don’t eat the same crap like you do. So telling me I can afford to eat cake every time you do because I’m skinny is bullshit. I look this way because I don’t eat that crap every fucking day!!! And I run 5 fucking days a week!! Every week of the year! There are no holidays from running!!

Photo Credit: For The Love of Cake
And don’t say to me you don’t want to deprive yourself of things, so you will never give up sugar. Because then you aren’t really living. Well you keep up your lifestyle you won’t be living very long. Look, you don’t have to give sugar up just don’t eat it every bloody day!! It’s not like I don’t eat sugar occasionally because I do, just put me in a room with cupcakes…yummy cupcakes and you will see what I mean. The thing is I don’t eat it every day!!

So stop blaming the holidays for your weight gain. Blame yourself. Because the holidays aren’t to blame, you are. After all Christmas Day does not bake cupcakes, you do. So stop the whining and take personal responsibility for yourself. And no more yogurt with sugar added to it!!!

Ok, rant complete.


  1. Love you Jacquie!! I miss you xoxo I might need to write up a post in honor of your greatness :D