Anyways, what the fuck did I get up to this week you ask? Well let me tell you, it was a pretty eventful week. I'm not sure what to make of it all now at the end of the week but at the time I went through a range of emotions, and most of them were nasty depressed kind of emotions! That being said, here is the breakdown, we can tally it up together to determine the result:
- saw my psychiatrist and gave him an update on where things are at with the depression- basically it ain't going away, I need to focus on better skills to manage it and I need to ensure I don't get exhausted, because once I'm exhausted, shit gets really nasty!
- bought a new pair of runners! Mizunos :)
- saw my crush, asked him how he was doing and then promptly tuned him out, asked him to repeat himself and stopped listening again, then I had to leave because really my behaviour is not really helping project the fact that I actually do like this person and am interested in their wellbeing
- went for a run with my good friend Trish :D
Total: 3/4 on the happy scale, with the exception of the mishap with the crush it was a good day
- realized that the fact I cannot sustain a conversation with someone I am interested in is a sign of exhaustion
- mid-day I'm in tears at my desk
- leave work early to deal with the down thoughts
- i deal best I can which means not going to yoga and meeting new people and instead staying home and sleeping
Total: 2/4 - moderate, came to some good realizations but still too hard on myself for doing what is in my best interest, room for improvement
- skip my morning run because I cannot get out of bed in time
- work is good because it does not involve me crying at my desk, i don't feel good but I manage it by staying in the moment and trying not to be judgmental (which is hard work because it is my default setting!!)
- go to my volunteering at the run clinic, have an excellent run and so does my group
- have dinner with my good friend JW at my fav restaurant at the moment Be Love
Total: 3/4 - the cheesecake and company at Be Love almost makes this day perfect :)
- still exhausted need to be alone but make it through work and am productive enough to feel not not happy
- head for a run after work - one of the most social runs I've ever been on for a run that I ran by myself - I think I had at least 4 social interactions on this run - ridiculous
Total: 2/4 - moderate I'm tired but i am dealing the best I can and I don't feel things are getting worse
- have a great meeting with my supervisor at work, realize she may make a good mentor for me
- have a hard time leaving the office even though it is gorgeous out
- force myself outside to grab a coffee but I'm anxious the whole time I'm outside
- after work see my Coach so i can pay him and then proceed to tell him that he should be charging me more because I feel like I'm treating him like a counselor ("I mean how many counselors does one girl need?!"), he assures me that is not the case and then we watch me transform from the guilt-ridden insecure self into a confident self-assured being as I launch into a full-fledged critique of his business model and then I list off a variety of ways for how he can improve it, basically I inadvertently stumble upon a potential new career path for myself as a business consultant
- I am introduced to David Foster Wallace
Total: 3/4 it was a great day, it should be a 4 but it isn't because of the agoraphobia and the feelings of guilt
- start day with an 18km hill run with my half marathon group, it is awesome and the tempos are fierce
- I have a nice long nap
- I finally finish Cormac McCarthy's No Country for Old Men (5 stars) - thought provoking and beautifully written, I really didn't want it to end
- start reading some David Foster Wallace - non-fiction essay on David Lynch - the attention to detail is astounding, and I'm fascinated by the author for his brilliance and the fact that he suffered from depression and killed himself - the looking glass self - where in his writing does it explain me and my depression? I stumble across his commencement address to the 2005 graduating class of Kenyon College and that speaks to me. 10 years ago I would not have understood this but now it makes perfect sense. Happiness is being painfully present in your every day existence. And it is hard work.
Total: 3.5/4 - things are good, I feel like I'm managing well because I'm looking after myself
- 8k run through the cotton candy colored cherry blossom lined streets of Fairfield. The sun is shining, it is warm and simply gorgeous out.
- find a good quote to remind me of where I am at right now:
“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
- Create my own quote to mark where I am now in my journey:
"The biggest lie the world has ever been told, is that any part of this life was going to be easy. This misunderstood notion of the ‘easy life,’ has produced a shitload of people who feel self-righteously entitled to something better than what is the default setting of their human existence."
- AK Gregg, Misadventures, Musings & Rants
- I wrote a lot today, it was a good day for writing
Total: 4/4 it was a good day
Grand Total: I would have to say there were definitely some challenging moments but instead of me dwelling on the negative I was able to do what I needed to do, which was look after myself, thus avoiding a catastrophe. So I would have to say this turned out to be a pretty good week after all.