Sunday, July 13, 2014

Week 28 of 52: How to survive a riot while watching the world cup

Generally I like to avoid the humans when they have formed groups together (more than 2 people) in a confined space (think elevators). Mostly because I don't like people touching me or breathing on me or contaminating the air around me. So imagine everyone's surprise when I decided to go out of my comfort zone and organize a public gathering in which me and some other humans could watch the World Cup 2014 Final together.

What happens when people get together...riots, that's what!
After careful planning (read: after putting all potential viewing locations through the Andrea filter) I narrowed it down to three choices:
1. The Guild - a British style pub where the food is actually good
2. The Royal BC Museum - they had a big projector screen in the lobby showing the games
3. My place - food will be amazing and the game will be streamed courtesy of the CBC (our tax dollars hard at work)

I excluded 3, because that meant I had to have people at my place which means I have to wait until they leave to get away from them.

2 was out because it was a bit too ghetto for the tastes of the group. Apparently I'm moving up in the world as now I hang out with people who can afford televisions.

So The Guild it was. My reasoning was, if a riot were to break out, I really don't want it to be in my living room. That would be way too much to clean up after.

Clearly, this event had shattering nightmare written all over it and yet I kind of still wanted to make it happen, just to see what the outcome would be if you put a couple of Argentina fans in a crowded space of drunken German fans to watch the final game.

Yes, this year I was rooting for Argentina. I blame Messi because he is awesome. Other than that I've got nothing. No real reason to be invested in any of this. Other than of course to annoy the hell out of the real football fans (one of my favourite past times).

This brings us to Andrea's top 3 tips for surviving a riot while watching the World Cup

1. Have an escape plan - as you are seated for the game think to yourself, if a riot were to break out, what is the quickest way out of here? Kind of like when you get on a plane and count the number of rows between you and the emergency exit. When you get in the pub, start counting how many people you are going to have to take out to get to the nearest exit. If you want to avoid as much violence as possible ensure your table is closest to the exit.

2. Order lots of coffee - coffee helps you stay alert, while everyone else is pounding back the alcohol, coffee will give you the advantage. Coffee will help you react quicker so you can effectively block the punches being thrown at your head. Also coffee is hot, it makes an excellent weapon! Just remember if you have to, you can throw coffee in someone's face, this will occupy them for a few seconds so you can slip away unscathed. Just remember, that before using hot coffee as a weapon make sure you can actually get out of the vicinity of that person quickly. You would be surprised how quickly one can recover from having hot coffee thrown in their face and trust me when I say they will be even more pissed off then they were before they had the hot coffee thrown in their face.

 3. Be creative - look around you and you will see that lots of stuff can be used to help you survive. Good examples include: the straw in someone's iced tea, perfect for gouging out an eye; the empty bar stool beside you, throw it through the window in order to distract people so you can get away. Trust me when I say no one likes to get shattered glass in their hair, that stuff is near impossible to get out! Just remember that basically anything will work in a riot. But if you aren't that creative and are worried you might not survive the riot because of your lack of creativity, just make sure you sit near an old person. When the riot breaks out, push the old person into someone and hightail it out of there. You will be ok, as long as you can out run that old person.
The Turks being creative with plastic chairs!

I know these tips may be a bit overwhelming to read so for now maybe the best approach is to not actually get into a riot in the first place. I don't have a lot of advice on how to prevent oneself from  ending up in a riot, seeing as I've been in so many during this lifetime of mine but I can give you this last piece of advice.

If you are going to cheer for the team no one else is cheering for (i.e., Argentina), maybe don't laugh and mock the German fans every time their team misses a shot on goal. Which in this case was a lot of times.

Good examples of things to say if you want to keep poking the bear (FYI bears react badly to being poked repeatedly):

Just because the Germans are kicking the ball in the general direction of the net, does not make it a good shot on goal.


I think the Germans think they are still playing Brazil because they think this shit will work on this team. I'm surprised that the Germans wouldn't know the difference between Argentina and Brazil. I mean yeah sure they are both South American, but that doesn't make them the same. (FYI - the Germans do not have a good reputation when it comes to race relations, so this is funny with a political twist)


Should we start taking shots every time Schweinsteiger takes a dive? Just kidding! No one could afford that bill!

So yeah, if you insist on being hilarious and poking the bear be prepared for that bear to fucking lose its shit and start a fucking riot on your ass.

You're welcome for the tips and remember you may want to bookmark this page, so you can review in 2018.

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