Sunday, July 20, 2014

Week 29 of 52: A story of awkward...

Awkward. A word used to describe me in many of my social interactions with humans. I like to think I'm awkward in a cute and adorable kind of way, like a puppy dog who just doesn't know any better but is so cute so it's ok. Actually, puppies are kind of annoying, they pee everywhere and chew your shoes...never mind. Back to awkward, yes, awkward. The latest story of awkward is pretty fucking ridiculous actually.

I'm not even sure how it happen. It was weird, like I was outside of myself watching me talk, not pick up on social cues, and slowly make my way towards completely inappropriate conversation land. Watching me converse with people is kind of like watching a train before it crashes and while it crashes (all of this in slow motion).

Let me describe it for you: so you see this train careening down the track, and you think no big deal it's just a train. Then you see the stalled school bus up ahead on the tracks. And you see the train pick up speed and you think "ouch, this is going to hurt". Then you notice that the bus is full of children because they can't get off the bus for whatever stupid reason. And you are like "what the fuck is with this train? It is like it's being driven by a drunk conductor because this train is showing a complete disregard for human life at this moment!" And no matter how loud you yell at this conductor to put the fucking breaks on already, he is just too drunk to understand you. And then you realize your efforts to intervene and fix this situation are futile so you might as well grab a bag a popcorn and sit back and watch this shattering nightmare unfold before your eyes. I mean what can you really do to save anyone at this moment? Nothing! So you might as well calm down and stop yelling, eat your popcorn and enjoy the show.

And this is exactly what I think it feels like for people when they have to talk to me.

Anyways, so this is what happened.
Stylish like that, except it wasn't like that at all.

I was talking with a co-worker after she gave me a compliment on the sweater I was wearing. I'm not sure why I didn't just say thanks and walk away but instead, decided to take the compliment as an invitation to keep talking her. Looking back on this moment I wonder if I just kept talking to her because I was hoping she would say more nice things about me. Now I know you are thinking I have some serious "need for validation" issues and I would disagree. I actually just really enjoy hearing people say nice things about me. As it gives me the chance to practice acting modest in the face of a compliment. I never seem to act modest but I intend to do it, so I think that means something positive, right?!

Back to the story. But first, a quick aside: I have to say I was wearing a pretty fucking stylish awesome outfit that day. One of my own random Jacob closet creations, so I was proud of my demonstration of innovation that morning while I was getting dressed. So obviously I will continue talking to someone who recognizes my greatness (duh!).

Yes back to the story, here is how the conversation went down.

Co-worker (C): I love your sweater, it really brings out your eyes.
A: Aren't my eyes awesome? (so not a display of modesty) What color are they right now?
C: (looks confused) they are kind of a light blue grey.
A: My eyes change color based on what i'm wearing.
C: That is pretty awesome. (my co-worker is totally encouraging this conversation btw)
A: I know. They can be blue, green or grey. They are Jason Bourne eyes.
C: What do you mean?
A: You know, Jason Bourne, the spy. He has all those different passports and photos and stuff. It would be very easy for me to have all these different identities.
C: That would be cool. You could be a spy. (basically this is like handing the conductor a 26er of vodka while he is driving the train, what an enabler my co-worker is!)
A: I know right! (said with great enthusiasm) I actually do think I would make a good spy.
C: I think so too. (I have to say when one hears that they would make a good spy of course they are going to keep the conversation going!)
A: It would be really easy for me to move around. I don't have a family, nothing to tie me down. Also, the other plus of having no family is there is really no way to get to me. It's not like you can kidnap and kill my daughter or whatever. I think it would be kind of hard to be a spy and also have kids or a husband for that matter. I don't even know how one could do that actually. (I start pondering the possibilities of how I could do that)
C: right (missed social cue of co-worker looking uncomfortable).
A: I think you would almost have to have a split personality to pull off the whole family and spy thing. That's kind of sociopathic actually. I don't think I could do that. I mean if I wanted to have sex I would just do it James Bond style. But instead of having sex with a bunch of hot ladies, it would be a bunch of hot men. (At this point I notice her uncomfortableness and interpret it as her being interested in me sexually). Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not gay.
C: Ok...that's good to know.
A: I think my acting history would be an asset as well.
C: Yes...but then there would be the whole you having to kill people thing.
A: Oh, I would be ok with that.
C: What?
Sign me up for that job!
A: Killing. I don't think it would be a problem. (Co-worker looks really concerned). Oh, of course I would find it hard to kill the first person. But no doubt it gets easier the more you do it.
C: Andrea?
A: Yeah?
C: TMI.

So yeah, this story of awkward, was brought to you by Andrea. There is no moral to this story. It is just a story. But if I had to come up with a moral for this story, I would still give it no moral just so I could be a defiant asshole about it. However, I will say that perhaps this story illustrates how complimenting people's clothes is a gateway conversation to talking about killing people. So maybe refrain from giving compliments at work unless you are good with finding out that your coworker would be ok if killing people was part of their job description.

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