Sunday, October 26, 2014

Week 43 of 52: Welcome to crazy land - a brief musing on the film: The Wolf of Wall Street

6:46pm - just got home from the market after buying supplies to make chili. As I pull up the recipe I realize (again) this is why I look at recipes before going to the grocery store...because I can never remember what goes in the recipe. 

Why do I always think I will remember what I need to buy? I NEVER remember what to buy unless I write it all out on a list ahead of time...

I am Einstein's definition of insanity.

You know what was insane? That movie The Wolf of Wall Street. It's true. I watched it this weekend and it was crazy land. And that is saying a lot because it takes a lot for me to consider something crazy land. Yes, I have a very high threshold for crazy shit happenings (not surprising I guess). But guess what kids, that movie is a great depiction of crazy land. I can't even get into what it was about it was so crazy. My words could not possibly do it justice.

So instead, check out this scene where they discuss dwarf throwing for the upcoming office party:

Why is this insane? Well, I found it insane not because of the clear human rights violations being discussed in a matter of fact way (that's too obvious) but because I realized that this is the exact conversation I would have if I was one of these crazy stock broker people.

Scarier, I wouldn't even need to be fucked up on drugs like these crazy stock broker people to come up with this idea. Nope, this type of stuff is merely just hanging out in my brain just waiting to burst out of me. No drugs required. That's right, I do crazy all on my own.

Actually, come to think of it, there is no doubt a shit load of crazy ass ideas I would come up with if I had stupid amounts of money and time. Some of those ideas where depicted in this movie. And yes that is a bit disconcerting.  And maybe I paused at some point during this movie and thought: holy fuck! it's like I'm watching me in an alternate universe, if I was a crazy rich dude addicted to making money.

And you know what? I'm thankful I'm not a crazy rich dude addicted to making money. I'm addicted to lots of stuff; however, making money has never been one of them. I suppose that is a good thing?! Or this movie leads me to believe that is a good thing.

I also think a lot of people will finish this movie blaming the drugs for the craziness that ensues which I do think is unfortunate. Because I'm pretty sure it was the money that was the root of all crazy in this world. The movie makes that pretty clear in my head. But I just don't think most people will see that when they watch this. No, I'm pretty sure that will be lost on the masses and drugs will just become another convenient scapegoat for all the crazy shit that went down in this movie (which was a hell of a lot actually) and certainly not one's quest for the almighty dollar.

Yes, another movie we can add to the garbage heap of movies that failed to get across its know that message, something about a life revolving around money is not much of a life at all...actually I'm not really sure what the movie was about, I'm just speculating here.

What I can say is, if you feel like spending 3 hours watching crazy ass shit that went down on wall street (true story) this is the movie for you. It displays crazy land in such graphic detail that even I needed to completely desensitize myself at spots just to get through it.  And this coming from the girl that genuinely enjoyed both Hostel movies. I do love my torture porn, what can I say?!

I'm not even sure if you can take that as a recommendation to watch this film. So proceed with caution kids, you're on your own for this one.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Week 42 of 52: The Birthday Test

If for some reason you feel the need to psychoanalyze someone on their birthday, this is the test I have designed just for you!

I think this test is an excellent measure of someone’s level of creativity. It’s a pretty awesome test because it is super easy to administer, on account of it only consisting of one question. That being said, there are a few downfalls to the test. The first being that it can only be administered on the subject’s birthday and the second is the time and effort involved in analyzing the results of the question and assigning a value to the result.

To help reduce the amount of time it takes to score the test, I have provided you with this helpful scoring guide.

Scoring Guide to The Birthday Test

Question: If you could have anything for your birthday, what would it be?

Directions for scoring: Assign a number to the subject's answer between 1 and 10 (1 = so not creative at all – 10= creative genius at its bestest).

Example of low level of creativity: Subject answers with a tangible item.
E.g., A car with no or minimal description added, such as "a Honda Civic" [assign score of 1]
E.g., A car with some description added, such as “a diamond encrusted Porsche” [assign score of 4]
Example of high level of creativity: The subject defines the word “anything” with an elaborate narrative, that involves multi-layers of explanation that resemble more of a parallel universe than current reality for this person or any person living on the planet in this current historical moment.

E.g., So I would take out my yacht, which is huge not tiny like Bill Gates’ yacht. Just so you know, my yacht is big enough to have a 10km chip trail running the perimeter of it. And yes, it will be a well maintained chip trail where cranes lift in the supplies that would be necessary to maintain said chip trail. This would be done on a weekly basis. I would take my yacht to the plastic island of the Pacific Ocean. You know, the island that is the size of Texas that’s made up of society’s trash. The former president, George W. Bush will meet me there (he’s flying in on his G6) for a round of golf. Yes, there is an 18 hole golf course on the island (naturally). Then George and I will take a selfie of us on the 18th hole looking all gangster and shit. Then I will turn the photo into a postcard that will say “Fuck the environment bitches!” and send it to every environmentalist I know. Which I think is everyone that lives in British Columbia. [assign score of 10]


You’re welcome for me making birthdays interesting again.


AK Gregg

Ouch! Don't want to have to fish my ball out of that pond!

Looks like someone is above par!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Week 41 of 52 - thanksgiving bitches!

Thanksgiving this year was full of pumpkin pie (see pic below), half marathon racing, friends and families. I have to say I'm pretty thankful for all those things. Let me elaborate a bit so this starts to resemble a real blog entry. 

Things I'm thankful for (the director's cut):

 Access to great food (love the fresh water out of the tap thing too!). 
Running - I absolutely love running, even when I'm dehydrated to hell, I still love running (helps I'm a bit of a masochist).
Friends & families - I have got to say I have the most amazing people in my life right now and I love each and every one of them. You all are the most inspiring, supportive and all around decent human beings I have has the pleasure of spending time with. Thank you! And now I'm off to bed for some much needed sleep! Happy turkey weekend everyone :) 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Week 40 of 52: Taper Time!!

When I taper, I’m a bitch.

That is really all you need to know.

What? You want me to elaborate on that? Wow! You are more masochistic than I thought. I'm impressed.

So I’m less than a week away from race time which means it's taper time! The hellish period before a race where you reduce your mileage so you can preform optimally come race day. For me, any week where I'm not running at least 5 days and hovering around a total mileage of 50K is not a great week for me. Which translates to not a great week for anyone who has the misfortune of having to associate with me during that week. Anyone who has had to interact with me when I'm not running regularly, would just rather not have interacted with me. What can I say, other than running is what keeps me sane and as calm as I can possible get without resorting to taking mass amounts of Valium. It is in everyone's best interest if I'm running. 

So yeah, this is a taper week and instead of fixating on the total lack of running going on right now, I’m getting mentally prepared for race day instead (Yes, I've grown, you're welcome). I have come to the realization that there is no point wasting energy on my body during a taper. Yes, instead of me obsessing and wondering if I’m fit enough or fast enough or healthy enough to do this, I've decided to just have faith. I’ve done the training, I’ve put in the work. I’m good. I'm more than good, I'm in pristine form. Not much I can do to improve things in the fitness department at this point. This is where I’m at and I’m good with that.

Me getting creative with the nail polish = taper
Now all that is left to do at this point, is keep my shit together for 7 more days. All that means is keep to my strict training regime for another 7 days (Note: my training involves: daily yoga/meditation, maccha, regular sleep, no coffee, no alcohol, no drama. A diet that is devoid of refined sugar, wheat, red meat, dairy and soy. And of course no relationships, no boys, no sex, no drama). I've been doing this for the past 11 weeks and I feel lovely, so really how hard will it be to keep this up for only one more week? 

Well let me tell you, if this was just "another" week this would not be hard but it is not just another week, it is a taper week. Taper weeks are like the week before you go on that vacation you have been waiting for all year to go on. Get it now? The closer you get to the start of your vacation (i.e. race day) the more intense the realization becomes that you need this fucking vacation STAT!! 

The week before a vacation to regular people is a taper week for me. This is not fun times people.

Here is a quote to help illustrate further my life during a taper week:

“I do not fear hell, I fear Andrea.”

Yes, no doubt uttered by some poor unsuspecting soul who ran across my bitch ass while I was in the midst of a taper and mistakenly thought they were going to have a reasonable conversation with me. 

So I’m going to help you out my lovely readers because I want you to still love me a week from now.

Here is my top 3 list of conversation topics you should avoid having with me this week if you still want me to acknowledge your existence next week:

#1 – Anything having to do with you
I care about one thing this week and that is racing my half marathon. Yeah, I don’t care about you this week. Sorry but this week I don’t want to hear about your problems unless you tell me to merely entertain me and don’t seriously expect me to actually listen or god forbid give you advice on your miserable life. So yeah, I’m sorry you are finding school hard right now, or you are frustrated by how your girlfriend isn’t having enough sex with you, or your boss finds you incompetent or blah blah blah. I simply do not care. I’ve switched off my humanity for the remainder of the week, no doubt your problems will be there next week and I can solve your issues then. If you decide your issues are more important than my race, and you insist on talking at me about you this week, I will stare right through you and walk away. This should be interpreted as that you have now been exiled from the Andrea friendship tier for the remainder of the week. And if you whine about being exiled, it won’t be only for a week, it will be permanent. Let me remind you, you are not more important than me. Don’t challenge me on this, not this week. You have been warned.

#2 – Do not ask me how I’m doing
I’m tapering. I’m bitchy. Stop talking to me and go away.

#3 – Do not discuss my training/race strategy with me
Unless you are my coach don’t you dare try to talk to me in any depth or give me any advice on how I should tackle this race. No offence but unless you are my coach you are nowhere near qualified to have an opinion on this matter. I’ve been working with my coach for over a year and he knows every little detail of my psyche and every little detail about how my training has been going. You on the other hand know absolutely nothing about these two things. So stop wasting my energy by trying to validate your self worth by mistakenly thinking you have anything remotely important enough to say to me this week. I assure you, you don't.

So in sum, there is a math equation that expresses all of this quite simply, hell you could even write it on your hand to remind yourself for the rest of the week.

Taper + Andrea = Bitch

Approach me with caution. Or better yet, just stay away from me until after the 12th.  
You would think watching hot men play soccer would help...but it doesn't.