Sunday, October 5, 2014

Week 40 of 52: Taper Time!!

When I taper, I’m a bitch.

That is really all you need to know.

What? You want me to elaborate on that? Wow! You are more masochistic than I thought. I'm impressed.

So I’m less than a week away from race time which means it's taper time! The hellish period before a race where you reduce your mileage so you can preform optimally come race day. For me, any week where I'm not running at least 5 days and hovering around a total mileage of 50K is not a great week for me. Which translates to not a great week for anyone who has the misfortune of having to associate with me during that week. Anyone who has had to interact with me when I'm not running regularly, would just rather not have interacted with me. What can I say, other than running is what keeps me sane and as calm as I can possible get without resorting to taking mass amounts of Valium. It is in everyone's best interest if I'm running. 

So yeah, this is a taper week and instead of fixating on the total lack of running going on right now, I’m getting mentally prepared for race day instead (Yes, I've grown, you're welcome). I have come to the realization that there is no point wasting energy on my body during a taper. Yes, instead of me obsessing and wondering if I’m fit enough or fast enough or healthy enough to do this, I've decided to just have faith. I’ve done the training, I’ve put in the work. I’m good. I'm more than good, I'm in pristine form. Not much I can do to improve things in the fitness department at this point. This is where I’m at and I’m good with that.

Me getting creative with the nail polish = taper
Now all that is left to do at this point, is keep my shit together for 7 more days. All that means is keep to my strict training regime for another 7 days (Note: my training involves: daily yoga/meditation, maccha, regular sleep, no coffee, no alcohol, no drama. A diet that is devoid of refined sugar, wheat, red meat, dairy and soy. And of course no relationships, no boys, no sex, no drama). I've been doing this for the past 11 weeks and I feel lovely, so really how hard will it be to keep this up for only one more week? 

Well let me tell you, if this was just "another" week this would not be hard but it is not just another week, it is a taper week. Taper weeks are like the week before you go on that vacation you have been waiting for all year to go on. Get it now? The closer you get to the start of your vacation (i.e. race day) the more intense the realization becomes that you need this fucking vacation STAT!! 

The week before a vacation to regular people is a taper week for me. This is not fun times people.

Here is a quote to help illustrate further my life during a taper week:

“I do not fear hell, I fear Andrea.”

Yes, no doubt uttered by some poor unsuspecting soul who ran across my bitch ass while I was in the midst of a taper and mistakenly thought they were going to have a reasonable conversation with me. 

So I’m going to help you out my lovely readers because I want you to still love me a week from now.

Here is my top 3 list of conversation topics you should avoid having with me this week if you still want me to acknowledge your existence next week:

#1 – Anything having to do with you
I care about one thing this week and that is racing my half marathon. Yeah, I don’t care about you this week. Sorry but this week I don’t want to hear about your problems unless you tell me to merely entertain me and don’t seriously expect me to actually listen or god forbid give you advice on your miserable life. So yeah, I’m sorry you are finding school hard right now, or you are frustrated by how your girlfriend isn’t having enough sex with you, or your boss finds you incompetent or blah blah blah. I simply do not care. I’ve switched off my humanity for the remainder of the week, no doubt your problems will be there next week and I can solve your issues then. If you decide your issues are more important than my race, and you insist on talking at me about you this week, I will stare right through you and walk away. This should be interpreted as that you have now been exiled from the Andrea friendship tier for the remainder of the week. And if you whine about being exiled, it won’t be only for a week, it will be permanent. Let me remind you, you are not more important than me. Don’t challenge me on this, not this week. You have been warned.

#2 – Do not ask me how I’m doing
I’m tapering. I’m bitchy. Stop talking to me and go away.

#3 – Do not discuss my training/race strategy with me
Unless you are my coach don’t you dare try to talk to me in any depth or give me any advice on how I should tackle this race. No offence but unless you are my coach you are nowhere near qualified to have an opinion on this matter. I’ve been working with my coach for over a year and he knows every little detail of my psyche and every little detail about how my training has been going. You on the other hand know absolutely nothing about these two things. So stop wasting my energy by trying to validate your self worth by mistakenly thinking you have anything remotely important enough to say to me this week. I assure you, you don't.

So in sum, there is a math equation that expresses all of this quite simply, hell you could even write it on your hand to remind yourself for the rest of the week.

Taper + Andrea = Bitch

Approach me with caution. Or better yet, just stay away from me until after the 12th.  
You would think watching hot men play soccer would help...but it doesn't.

1 comment: