Sunday, November 23, 2014

Week 47 of 52: Answers to some of life's tough questions

Old painting of doppelgangers = age old question
It was another Sunday night and J and I were out for coffee contemplating some of life’s deep questions, as we so often do when we are out together. This week we discussed a pretty complicated multi-layered question, “what would you do if you met your doppelganger?”

After some heated debate, topics ranging from dating to mass murder, we fell on another complicated life question: “Why are vampires not considered serial killers?” I mean seriously, right? They sure kill a fuck of a lot of people, yo!

Anyways, J and I were able to agree that vampires were killing to survive therefore they could not be considered serial killers. Remember this when the world wide food shortage happens and we start eating each other. It’s ok to eat each other, as long as you are doing it to survive. Actually that may already be state law in Florida.

Anyways, back to the main philosophical quandary: "what would you do if you met your doppelganger?"

Well, the first way to answer this question is to first define what is a doppelganger? Me,  a self-professed expert on the topic from my many years of watching The Vampire Diaries, a cultural reference of which is completely lost on anyone who has not actually watched the tv show, like J. I was shocked too. What is J watching on Netflix anyways if not The Vampire Diaries?! Clearly another important question to ponder (#futureblogpost).

Doppelgangers on The Vampire Diaries = not serial killers
So because of J’s lack of good tv show watching we had to turn to the Google God, which apparently is a much more authoritative source on doppelgangers than The Vampire Diaries. And turns out, J and I are not alone in our musings. There was a lot of websites on what one would do if they met their doppelganger.

A personal favourite was this scientific article we found that outlined the ways to determine if your doppelganger is in fact your doppleganger (e.g., genetics testing, absence of alien characteristics such as glowing red eyes, born in same city as you, etc.). The article also gave us some helpful tips on what to do when you meet your other self. For example, no matter what, under any circumstances, do not sleep with your doppelganger, even if it isn’t your doppelganger and it is your twin/clone/alien shape shifter, having sex with you will likely lead to bad things happening to both of yous. Seemed like practical advice to me and J.

I know you are cute, just don't sleep with you!!
Anyways, back to the definition.

Well apparently a doppelganger is a look-alike or double of a living person who is sometimes portrayed as a harbinger of bad luck. And if seen by family and friends it can be an omen of death.

So apparently The Vampire Diaries is right! Thank you Wikipedia!

When you think about it, why would having another one of you be a good thing anyways? Unless of course you need to fake your own death…a high probability for anyone, I guess…if you were a character on The Vampire Diaries! So faking your own death aside, why would another one of you be a good thing?

For me the answer is simple, unless I could control my doppelganger and make it do my biding, I’m pretty sure it would turn my life into a shattering nightmare. No doubt my doppelganger would find some way to ruin my life, like befriend a gaggle of small children. So naturally I would have to murder my doppelganger.

Oh and the most important thing would be that you would have to be the one to kill your own doppelganger. Let’s face it if you hire someone to kill your other self, you will likely pay an exorbitant amount of money and that hired killer will probably end up killing you by mistake. When it comes to murder, it is always better to handle that shit yourself (or so I’m told…Thank you @TheCesspit)

So in answer to the age old question “what would you do if you met your doppelganger?” you would murder them.

For once J agrees, “There can be only one!”

Yup, we got a total highlander situation here if you meet your doppelganger, get out your sword and chop off their head. Studies show that chopping off the head is the one absolute way to ensure that you have actually killed someone. Everything else is conjecture.

He would totally murder himself if he had to!

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