Sunday, December 7, 2014

Week 49 of 52: For those who wonder...my funeral

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A few days ago, my sister and I had the pleasure of speaking with one another on the phone. We haven’t talked in awhile so it was nice to catch up. And as we were wrapping up the phone call, I happened to say:

A: So, just so you know, you will be in charge of my funeral arrangements when I die.

S: What?! (fair enough, she was a little surprised by the trajectory the conversation just took, I mean who ends a phone call like that?!)

A: yeah, in my will, I leave it to “however you see fit”.

S: so what am I supposed to do?
Funeral - Hunter S. Thompson Style

A: I don’t know, I will be dead, so do whatever you think is appropriate given the situation.

S: so like if I wanted to cremate you and shoot your ashes out of a cannon, that would be ok?

A: Well first, I’m dead so I don’t care what you do really. And second, it’s a great idea if you think that is what the people want to see at my funeral.

S: what people?

A: you know, people. The people who will attend or want to attend...if there is a lot of them you may want to televise it. Or, I don’t know, maybe you will feel that it is appropriate to chop off my head, place it in a jar of formaldehyde and parade my head from town to town across the country just so everyone can feel like they got to attend my funeral.

S: ok…so you want your head on display in each town.

A: well yeah, think of it like a book tour but with my head in place of the book. You could do a speech at each town, maybe even a reading from my blog. I don’t know man, it is whatever you consider appropriate given the situation at the time of my death.

Selfie at a funeral
S: ok…but your head is in a jar…I just can’t imagine a situation where that is appropriate.

A: look I don’t know, I’m just saying you could do that if you wanted to is all. I’m not saying you have to do it. I’m basically telling you that you have options.

The conversation ended at this point, likely due to my sister being in hysterics or a faulty overseas facetime connection. Not sure which, maybe both. But this is what I do know, if Paulo gets involved in my funeral preparations it won’t resemble a book tour, it will be a reincarnation of the Jim Rose Circus but on crystal meth (or whatever psychedelic drug is popular when I’m dead and gone). I shudder to think of the madness that would unfold on that somber day and I’m relieved I will be dead and not have to experience any of it.



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