Sunday, December 14, 2014

Week 50 of 52: Drive-thrus, dumps and trail racing

--> I know you are wondering what’s the deal with this week’s blog post title? And I will tell you just as I told Chris the other day as he drove us to a trail race.

A: Drive-thrus, dumps and trail racing – this will be the name of our reality show!

Let’s back up a bit and let me preface this post with an Andrea factoid: When I’m nervous I use humour. You can easily tell how nervous I am by how sick and twisted my jokes become.

The idea for this reality show was my brain’s desperate attempt to distract it from worrying about the upcoming trail race. The race that was about to happen in approximately 1 hr and 15 minutes.  And it doesn’t matter that it was just to be run for fun because I was fucking exhausted from starting a new strength building routine that week and doing 45 minutes worth of tabatas the day before. Not exactly taking it easy before arguably what is considered one of the most challenging races in the region. Yeah, I was fucked and my brain knew it.

What’s the show about? Well let me tell you, as I told Chris on that ominous Saturday morning.

A: The basic premise will be me and you driving through various drive thrus and having you order a chicken sandwich and a bowel movement. And craziness ensues.

Naturally, Chris was a tad baffled. As I imagine so are you.

C: Why would anyone watch that?

To Chris, this is the craziest shit he has heard this morning. After all, he is hanging out with me, things have a high probably of getting crazier. But to me, this all seems pretty logical, a natural progression of the day’s events thus far. But of course I’m ADHD, so what is logic to me is not always making sense to anyone else.

That being said, I swear there is logic to this idea and here it goes. This is what happened today: Chris picked me up, he started talking about wanting to eat chicken, and started joking that we should pick up a 20-piece tub of fried chicken as pre-race fuel.

Of course, I’m nervous, and pretty sure I have not had enough fuel for this race and on top of all that I find Chris’ talk of chicken absolutely revolting. So naturally, I turn the conversation to something I think Chris will find disgusting, which may prove to be challenging since eating greasy fried chicken is not considered disgusting (he is British after all). 

I start talking about how I’m pretty sure I’m going to need to have another bowel movement before the race starts. Me talking about bowel movements is not shocking in terms of the topic, seeing as I talk about my bowel movements ALL THE TIME. But it is when I get descriptive with them, that is the line you don’t want me to cross.

And I don’t cross that line, not this time. Because Chris takes it to a whole different level by suggesting that maybe some greasy chicken would help get things moving.

C: Want me to pull into that drive thru (points at fast food joint that specializes in “chicken” products) and we can order you a chicken sandwich and a bowel movement.

So now we see that the concept for the show really comes from Chris. Although, in his defense he wasn’t thinking reality show he was thinking of clever ways to annoy me. And he was on a roll. And he is in hysterics and really can’t stop laughing at how great and funny he is.

Naturally, I can’t have any of that. And that’s when it hits me! Yes, this could be a reality show. Time to shut the laughter down Chris!

C: Why would anyone watch that?

And now we have come full circle. Feel in the loop now? Good.

A: everyone would watch it. It would be on MTV.

C: Why MTV? They play garbage all the time.

A: exactly! Given their history of television productions, they are the most likely to air this crazy ass shit.

Chris is dubious. And I will note that he is no longer laughing.

A: It will be like Tom Green.

Now Chris is angry. Apparently Chris doesn’t think Tom Green is funny at all. Now this baffles me. Actually not really, after all, Tom Green is Canadian, and Canadians are well known for their off kilter sense of humour. Chris is not Canadian, he is British. So he doesn’t quite understand the humour of us witty Canadians.

Which I further illustrate to him through this hilarious story from my early days as an angst filled teenager hanging out in the blue collar neighborhoods of Hamilton. Basically my story shows how Canadians are so funny and Chris has no sense of humour.

Begin Andrea soliloquy:

So, I had this bf who really sucked at cooking. He was having his buddies over for a BBQ and he tried to make a bunch of hotdogs and ended up burning them all. There ended up being about 20 shriveled little black hard as rock wieners which he was going to throw out. But I had a better idea. As my bf ran to the store to get some edible food before anyone showed up, I decided to decorate the tree outside by the BBQ. I ended up stringing up all the burnt wieners to the tree branches with floss. I wanted the tree to look like it had burnt wieners floating around it. Kind of like some strange art installation which would be the center piece of this BBQ. I thought this was the best idea ever! Mostly because I came up with it and it is fucking hilarious and more so because it would be so funny to see the guests faces as they arrived. Nothing beats the shock and looks of horrors that burnt wiener tree received that day. Priceless.

When I’m done with my proof that Chris has no sense of humour, I’m crying from laughing so hard and Chris is so quiet, I have to check that he is still driving the car. And I find Chris staring at me with that same look of horror my bf’s friends did that lovely summer day where wieners floated around trees.

C: Dude that’s not funny. Why is that funny?

A: Actually Chris, I think what you meant to say was how is that not funny?!

Chris shakes his head in disbelief and I believe he says something about me not making any sense (hard to tell with his accent). But I’m convinced that the drive thru dump show would be an instant hit.

A: You know what would make it better Chris? Adding trail racing to it!

Now I know Chris says something but I really can’t make it out because of the accent (he really should come with subtitles).

A: Dude, picture it. How funny would it be to see us vomiting in the woods during a trail race because we ate fried chicken right before? So funny, right?! Plus by adding trail running we are hitting all the demographics!

I feel like Chris finally gets why this reality show would be funny and/or profitable, because he’s not disputing any of this anymore and kind of looks like he is pondering the idea in his head. Either that or he is hoping if he doesn’t engage with me anymore maybe I will drop the topic. The same tactic one takes when they come across a black bear in the woods. Do not engage back slowly away and it will leave you alone.

Unfortunately for Chris I’m not a black bear and I keep talking about it for the remainder of the ride, which to Chris no doubt felt endless. Because let’s face it, when I get an idea in my head, I just won’t let it go. I’m like the starving lion who hasn’t eaten in days and then finally comes across a young gazelle who isn’t fast enough to out run me and I just obliterate the shit out of it.

Chris knows, that I will be sucking the bone marrow out of this idea. And I’m not 100% sure but this truth may have gave him the extra push to pass me during the race. Because he knew if he passed me, he would be getting a break from the madness that is my creative genius.

So before he ran out of ear shot, I made sure to yell after him:

A: The show will be like Kenny vs. Spenny! It will be awesome!

And Chris was gone. He did quite well on that race. No doubt, he will thank me later.

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