Saturday, December 20, 2014

Week 51 of 52: I swear my bitch face means I like you!

Some days I think of the world and all the people in it (7 billion!!) and i marvel at how that came to be. I mean clearly there are a lot of dudes out there successfully shooting their loads into girl's vaginas and getting them pregnant. And no this is not a blog post about how many people are having unprotected sex, or how many women in the world do not have access to safe abortions, or how many women are being raped blah blah. NO this is about me and how I'm not having sex at all. I just want to know how these people are hooking up in the first place.

And no this is NOT about how I want to get pregnant so calm the fuck down not every woman out there with a uterus wants to reproduce!

Ok rant done.

Now back to me and my complete inability to hook up. Actually, fuck that, it's really more my complete inability to talk* to a guy that is interested in me and proceed to the first stage of "going on a date".

* Talk is defined as me having an intelligible conversation with some semblance of a normal  trajectory so the dude can follow and actually get to the part where we decide to hang, instead of him walking away thinking "WTF was she talking about?"

Alright, I was just asked a very important question. How do I know they are interested?

Yeah, well I don't. Sure it is pretty safe to say that everyone is interested in fucking me but dating me...yeah, that is not so easy to decipher. And according to Google there are some varying opinions on the matter. So I could get into that here or you could just assume, like me, there is always the potential for dating until proven otherwise.

Wow! This is sure fucking tangenty, this is a good example of what "talk" is not (see * above, if you are totally lost).

Ok. Here we go. I am almost certain that the signals I'm giving off are not being interpreted as "hey, Andrea seems interested". Yup, pretty sure that is not happening. And here are the top three examples of how I'm making things not happen in the dating department:

#1 - striking up a conversation with someone that the only reference point is a thought in your head. Yes, it's important to introduce the topic before diving into said conversation with your crush. OR you can take the naively optimistic approach and think "it makes for a memorable first impression!?" Ok, maybe not, but it does shed light on the fact that I'm awkward and if that is really going to be an issue for the guy I like then it probably isn't going to work out for us.

#2 - cockblocking yourself by looking like a cold ass bitch! yeah, i have a tendency to get nervous around guys I like and my defence mechanism is to get all stonefaced bitch like...because looking like a bitch really brings all the guy's to the yard. I'm working on not defaulting to bitch mode, I swear, but when I walk into the gym to see my personal trainer and all the hot male trainers and client men turn and check me out as I walk the length of the gym to the locker room...dude! That's fucking awkward! I get I look like a supermodel and am used to walking catwalks during New York fashion week...wait a minute, no that's not me at all! But very flattering for you to think of me though.

#3 - telling the guy you like that you can't date right now. And not saying it once to him but several times on various occasions...yes, I do stupid shit like that. Although in my defense I couldn't date (see blog post - And that's why I'm single - part 3) but that doesn't really give the impression that I'm interested in him either.

Clearly there is work to be done. It feels like a lot of work actually. Maybe I will just ask you out next time I see you. Seems easier that way. And frankly way less effort than me working on being "normal".

WTF is Andrea talking about?!