Sunday, March 15, 2015

Greetings from Leriki, Latvia!

It's another rainy Sunday afternoon in Victoria, BC, and I'm just hanging out marathoning Community on Netflix while savoring what likely may be the last pomelo of the season (wipe tear away), when I remember I haven't checked my mail this week. Ok, it was more like I haven't checked my mail this month.

Picture on the latest Telus flyer I got in the mail. Not sure what it is trying to sell me.
Anyways, not wanting to miss out on a bill or even better a flyer for something I will never buy, I head down the stairs to my mailbox. As expected, a credit card bill (that one is kind of thick!), some important documents I will need to fill out my taxes (don't lose those!!), a Telus flyer (I don't care if you throw in a free tv I still don't want your cable package!! I have Netflix you dumb asses!) and a postcard.

A postcard from Leriki, Latvia. "Greetings from Leriki, Latvia" it screams at me in a jarring shade of burnt orange but in sweet vintage font type.

And this greeting is sprawled across the picture of an ass.

No, not a donkey. But the ass of a man who is (thankfully) lying on his stomach spread eagle on a headboard-less bed (likely located in Leriki, Latvia, I'm guessing).

WTF?! Obviously this pornography was sent to the wrong person!! Acting all self-righteous, I quickly turn over the postcard to find out what pervert this was sent to. Ha!

Turns out the pervert is me. (not as funny) Oh yes, this postcard was in fact delivered to the right person.

WTF?! Who do I know in Latvia?! Seriously though, up until  this moment I thought Latvia was the brand name of that espresso blend you sometimes find served in cheap European themed cafes in Canada. Turns out that is actually spelled Lativa coffee. But whatever, you know what I'm trying to say, right?!
Lativa - the coffee

If I think the name of one's country is a coffee company it is highly unlikely I know anyone who lives there.

Which makes me wonder maybe it is one of my friends (read: Paulo) who sent it to me during their travels. Well then I read what it says, and things get even more mysterious:

I feel we should probably talk in person why I've not been around since November but that is hard to do since I now reside in Leriki now. I guess I felt I could never fully trust you and then December and January passed where all I did was talk to lawyers and then I forgot about you because you aren't really a priority to me. And then February happened and then I moved and here we are. Hope you are doing well.
Love always, Trevor

Ok. So confused right now, I head back up stairs to eat some food. Clearly I need some carbohydrates to crack this case. So I toss back a few Hi-Ro's; a disgustingly awesome white sugary goo filled chocolate covered cookie sandwiches. Hi-Ro!!
Hi-Ro! Not the one I ate but a picture none the less.

And now to start breaking down the case. Q & A time bitches!

Q: So do I know any Trevors?
A: I don't think so...could be an alias given the male ass on the front of the postcard.

Q: Is there anyone I stopped talking to as of last November?
A: Well fuck, I don't even know what happened last week, how the fuck am I expected to remember what happened 4 months ago?! This is ridiculous. This Trevor person clearly doesn't know me at all! Hello ADHD!! Stupid Trevor!!

And the Q & A kind of breaks down after this:

Q: is there anyone I've stopped talking to recently who would have reason not to trust me?!
A: No. Next question!

Q: Is there anyone who I've stopped talking to, in general just stopped talking to? (Don't bother trying to remember why you aren't talking to them, just answer the question)
A: We are going to have to narrow that down, that's way too many fucking people.

Q: Anyone I know into porn?
A: Seriously?! I don't think these questions are getting me any closer to the truth.

The book I just bought yesterday at the bookstore and now I've lost interest in it.
Q: Anyone I know into gay porn?
A: Who am I kidding?! We are all like at least 10% gay, so this is like everyone I know. Way too many people.

I suppose at some point during my life I met a Trevor. It's likely, I suppose...I probably just forgot his name, same way I forgot what I did last week. And the same way I forgot, very shortly after all of this Q & A with myself, that I was trying to figure out who sent me this postcard.

Let's face it, it's Sunday and I'm bored (I don't have cable!!), and this seemed like a good mystery to engage in (I kind of lost interest in the book I was reading) but now I just want to know what is going to happen on Season 2 of Community, and I want to eat the rest of my pomelo. Probably the last pomelo of 2015!

And...now the postcard is hanging on my fridge by cute little fridge magnets shaped like tiny corn on the cobs. Because who doesn't want to look at a nicely defined male ass in the morning?! The irony is delicious.

A painting of horses, not from Leriki, Latvia.

Me being a cute and adorable hipster :)





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