Sunday, April 19, 2015

Have you ever confused a dream with life?

This is the question that jumps out at me from the spine of my April 2015 Nylon magazine. That exact magazine that is currently residing on my coffee table atop of a Vogue and Elle Canada magazine (see Figure 1). I don't bother to look at the spines of the other two magazines because they don't ask me questions that inspire blog posts.

Figure 1: Fashion mags that live in my home.
Now, more interestingly than the Nylon question, which just happens to be the title of this blog post, is the question: "when the fuck did Andrea start reading fashion magazines?"

First off you don't read fashion magazines you look at the pretty pictures...ok I'm kind of joking but not really.

I kind of consider fashion magazines to women what pornography is to men. Except I'm pretty sure women do more reading than men because of our whole verbal, communication and emotional cognitive dimensions being far superior to men's. And when I say superior I mean far more developed, kind of like higher on the evolutionary scale. Don't feel bad men, as you are far more superior in the "act first think later" cognitive dimension.

And just to be clear I am not talking down to you men. I'm kind of envious of that part of your brain. See when I act first and think later they put me on medication because I'm defined as being impulsive, erratic, perhaps some would say, a little aggressive. But no if I was a man I could make the call to drop two nuclear bombs on a country and somehow that type of behaviour does not require psychiatric attention. So when I say I'm a feminist I'm fighting for that type of equality. I want to be able to drop bombs on a country too!! No fair!

Which brings me to the dream I had, you know the one I confused with life (read: the dream I really wished was my life). Yes, in my dream I was the leader (read: dictator) of a lovely nation in a tropical climate. I think if I was a dictator I would like to rule a country where it is warm the majority of the time, so I can go running all year round. And of course I would go running with my entourage of super fit and sexy ex-mousad agents, after all if you are going to have someone take a bullet for you they may as well as be super hot. Why?! Because it is always more interesting when hot people die.

Anyways, back to my dream. Not much happened in the dream that would have necessarily made me think it was a dream. And no, me being a dictator in a dream does not make me automatically realize I'm dreaming, it is actually quite a natural fit, on account of me being all anal and controlling.

I think the whole dream was about me strategizing with others about some take down of a militant group, a neighbouring country perhaps...but really who we were trying to take down is kind of irrelevant, the important part was that there seemed to be a lot of paper work involved in coming up with this strategy, which of course made the dream feel like I was working. And when I feel like I'm working I feel like I'm awake in my life not asleep in my bed dreaming.

Another part of the dream was about my boyfriend, and true that should have made me realize it was a dream if I had that dream last night, which I didn't, so yes, at the time I had this dream I did have a boyfriend. I remember I found my boyfriend really annoying in the dream because he wanted all this attention from me and I remember thinking "WTF dude?! I'm the dictator of this super awesome nation about to go to war I don't have time for your drama!!" Naturally my boyfriend started cheating on me, which makes sense because I was so not paying attention to him and his needs. And then when he confessed to cheating on me, I replied "good, will you leave me alone now?"
Aspiring dictator and her two cronies.

Anyways, I'm sure you can now see how I would confuse this dream with life.

Confused?! Don't be, it is really simple actually. Here is a numbered list to help ease your confusion.

1. I would rather spend my time and energy in the public sphere than the private sphere (i.e., I would rather work than have a relationship with a man child), and
2. My preference is to control everything and everyone around me.

And no this revelation should not scare you, unless of course you find self-aware people scary, I'm talking preference not how I live my life, I'm just saying if I could be a dictator I would.

"I'm talking to you bitches!"

1 comment:

  1. ugh, what is this dribble...... it's nothing like what i expected