Sunday, May 31, 2015

74 sex acts involving expensive chocolate

So I decided to return to my favourite online dating site: OK Cupid. Why? Because I want to meet my one true love, get married and have a shit load of children so I can have my own soccer team.

In real life, my answer is social experimentation. Come on, you can't be too shocked can you?

I'm a sociologist and I find people so fascinating! And the ones on OKC are no exception.

So here are my top 5 reasons that OKC is the best online dating site for me:

1) I get to talk about my favorite topic, me. And I get to do this in free form. None of this checkbox bullshit that restricts my creativity.

For example, here are some highlights from my online dating profile:

Self-Summary:

"What do I have to say about myself? Well lots, I love to talk about myself and don't worry it's all interesting."

What am I doing with my life:

"What am I not doing with my life would generate a shorter answer! So, I'm not strategically planning my entrance into politics, in which the end result is world domination. Yeah I'm totally not motivated by power and status...and no that is not a picture of Fidel Castro on my wall with the words "The Goal" underneath. Next question."

What do people first notice about me:

"My awesome sense of humour obviously!"

On a typical Friday night I am...

" ..declining invites to go be social. After a week of work where I go above and beyond what a regular introvert is even remotely capable of, I need down time to recover. Fridays I typically retreat to my cave, which for me involves: singing and dancing in my kitchen to Swedish pop music while making dinner, and then continuing marathon watching some show I found on Netflix (because I have not owned a tv in 10 years, all the shows on Netflix are new to me!). Just finished watching Hannibal last night. Awesomely delicious entertainment."

 Needless to say, within 2 hours of me being on OKC i received 53 likes.

2) I have an audience that hangs off every word I say and whom are in a constant state of wanting to hear more about me. To be honest, I figure everyone feels this way about me, they are just more open about it on the online dating site.

3) I get to post cute pictures of myself and now I have just another website that houses my beauty.

Example of a cute picture of me:






4) it's a good venue for increasing traffic to my blog. After I answered a question about my vegetarianism i provided a link to my blog post on Hanks' and now OKC is one of my top referral sites.

5)  Provides lots of opportunities to flatter me. Because I don't get enough of that?!

Sunday, May 17, 2015

A curious thing

That is what I have been called...a curious thing. And not curious in the sense that I'm inquisitive or meddlesome, although I am both of those things, but curious in the sense that I am odd or eccentric. You know, one of those people that gets interest or attention because they are highly unusual. 

Thank you dictionary.com for clarifying that for me!

Apparently you can call someone a curious thing and not mean it in a negative way, although I would argue that the noun "thing" negates any positive association one may draw from that phrase.

A curious thing.

I suppose some of my behaviour could be classified as unusual, I guess.

Like when I made the language on my iPod French and I don't speak French but I figured that if I kept seeing French words I would eventually just learn French. This trend carried into watching all English television with French subtitles and watching French movies with English subtitles. And then there was me only listening to French radio...which in and of itself isn't a bad thing; however, you may change your view on that if you were the neighbours who were woken up by my French radio at 5a.m. the one day I forgot to turn my alarm off because I was spending the night somewhere else...I mean who doesn't love being woken up at dawn by the French language at earsplitting volume levels?!

Oh and in case you are wondering I still do not speak French unless I am in Mexico trying to speak Spanish, then I speak French...

I guess also my food cravings are a bit odd. I mean I do have a Kale addiction. Which you may think is not a bad thing until I explain to you that if I don't eat kale every day (seriously have only missed 3 days in the last 2 years) I get anxious and start panicking and start listing off the places in my head that are still open where I can go to score some kale. I do this on a tape loop until I go to these places and order the kale. Places I go to get a quick kale fix are: AJ's Organic Cafe (Kale slaw) and Be Love (Earth Sea Salad) and I'm working on growing some kale on my balcony just in case of emergency cravings. Like say, those cravings that happen at 3 in the morning.

And speaking of 3 am food cravings...

All I'm going to say is: Almond butter and rice crackers.

Almond butter (aka crack) - I typically go through a tub of that a week AND rice crackers - plain and with salt - I dip them in the almond butter...quite regularly I get up in the middle of the night to eat a row of rice crackers (approx 17crackers) with almond butter while sitting on the kitchen floor. Yes, my favorite place to snack at 3am is my kitchen floor. I sit on the floor, lean my back against the cupboards and often contemplate how interesting it is that now I'm up at 3am eating almond butter and rice crackers whereas before at this time I would be:

a) coming home after a night of binge drinking
b) smoking because that is what one does after a night of binge drinking
c) having messy drunk sex with my boyfriend, and
d) repeating b and c until I pass out...


I used to pass out around 5am, the exact time I accidently left my French radio on. Fuck that would be so annoying to be woken up by my French radio alarm all hungover and shit...

And  then I get distracted by my reflection in the oven door and I stare at myself for awhile (approx 5 minutes) and then go back to bed.
 A curious thing.

 I also crave Granny Smith apples...and if you are a close friend of mine, you have received a text message from me stating this fact at some point during our friendship.

A curious thing indeed.


Sunday, May 10, 2015

Andrea's first marathon


Prelude: So, yesterday I ran my first marathon. Kind of decided to run it at the 11th hour with my friend Anna. Anna and I had been training for this day since the beginning of January and we had already ran two 30k training runs for this. Anna was training for the marathon and I was training for the 50k ultra (being held at the same time). But then around Easter (when my dad started chemo) I decided I just didn't give a fuck about running it. I lost my motivation and just didn't care to do it, so I had decided to sit it out.

I emailed my Coach and told him I wasn't going to do it.

He said that was fine but if I changed my mind I was totally good to go. Let's face it my Coach knows me better than I know myself.

5am - Andrea & Anna on route to marathon start

So yeah, I decided to run my first marathon with Anna (we got in this mess together we will get out of it together!)

@RunnerChicWC & @TheCesspit (1st finisher of the 40k walk!)

When I finished the run, I text my Coach to tell him how it went:

A: I came in 5th!
A: I think there was only 5 ppl in my category but we don't need to mention that part
A: I didn't vomit or pass out so I would say this was a success
A: And I never want to do this again!
Coach: Ha! Ok, first off congrats! How'd it feel out there? How're the legs?

Then I try to send him a stupid amount of texts to describe what is really best described over email, so I scrap the text dialogue and email this to him:

Hey Coach,
More on the marathon. I ran it to finish not get a specific time because I knew the heat would destroy me if I actually tried racing in it. So basically ran it like an easy run, doing ten minutes of running with one min of walking. So I did ok in the heat, all things considered but that is because I did not push myself at all. It was literally like I was going for a really long jog. Anna didn’t care about time so that is why I agreed to do it. And I figured running the distance would justify in my brain the crappy diet I’ve had the last 5 months, as well as the weight gain and inch of fat that is now around my waist. And yes it is real because i measured it! I’m not neurotic i need to measure myself for my sewing classes! Anyways, this will be TMI for you, but my breasts grew a bit since last year, so that means fat, as I had no breasts last year and now i have smallish ones. So I’m not being a total crazy female here, just a partial crazy one!

Anyways, back to my marathon…so first round was fine because it was cool out and we were not gunning it. Round 1, which was 12.2k came to 1:28. I felt fine, I was just making sure to take it slow because I usually don’t take it slow and then I burn out and it is a struggle for the rest and to be honest I didn’t not want to struggle for this run because I can struggle through Cedar 12k and a half marathon but a marathon?? I’m pretty sure that would result in a DNF. And I just paid 125$ to do this so there was no way I wasn’t finishing.

At the end of round one was when I got the pain up the side tendon (above the ankle) on my right foot. It was sporadic and only if I hit in a particular way that would activate the tendon. This issue I’m sure is a result of the over use “injury” I got from soccer (i.e., taking up a high impact sport with absolutely zero conditioning). So yeah, I mentioned this to you a month ago or something as well (maybe longer ago) where the foot pain happened on one of my runs and I figured it was a result of me not getting enough sleep. So that was when we scaled stuff back. Then I was fine. And then it came back during the marathon. I had brought my ankle wrap to the run, which i bought after my soccer “Injury”, basically the wrap gives my tendon extra support. So I put it on, I believe after round 2 (so after 22.2k) and there was no more tendon pain.

I had cramps and felt like vomiting from the 6k point to the end. Cramps were reasonable, as in I could run through them. The urge to vomit came and went in intensity and it was just about a mile from the end that I had to walk because of it, and that is because it was 26 degrees out and that was the part of the course in the field in the blazing sun. For the most part I could stay cool enough to run because I was in the shade and there was a cool breeze. However, the sun was a scorcher and really only an issue for the last mile of every loop, and just got worse with each loop because with each loop it got closer to mid-day.

Energy was not an issue because I’m sure I just mostly fat burned the whole time, I don’t even think I spent a lot of time in the zone that would have required glycogen. Which was good because I couldn’t eat solid food. The food i trained with I couldn’t eat because solid food just made me want to vomit. So i lived off sport drink and juice boxes, for some bizarre reason I decided to bring juice to this run, I’ve never trained with it but I had some in my fridge and thought why the fuck not?! Thankfully I did because it is probably what kept me going. The honey stingers also made me want to vomit so I barely even went through a bag of them. But I had energy for the whole race. I won’t say I was light on my feet but i didn’t feel like i was dragging. It was just the heat, it makes me sluggish and slow.

My hip flexors started bugging me during my first lap and continued to for the duration of the run but not in a distracting way more just made me mindful of them (they don’t hurt now). I had no issue with joint pain just my feet hurt a lot (very mild now and will likely be gone in the next day or two). Which obviously makes sense…the pain wan’t bad enough to make me stop because it was at an enjoyable level of pain, the kind that gets you high. I think for next time I want to inflict pain on myself I may just opt for cutting myself, it is way cheaper and doesn’t make it hurt for me to walk after. …

A couple of “wise” comments I got from the ultra marathoners:

1. Apparently it is normal to vomit on these runs, so I probably didn’t need to be a baby about it and should have kept running until I vomited; and
2. to condition for heat, once a week go for a shortish run (under 1.5 hours) wear what I would normally wear to race and then add top layers (the key is to get the core as warm as possible) and keep them on for the duration of the run. I guess the cheap man’s way of training in a sauna ?!

After the run I was sore, but i stretched (kind of), I tried to nap but the pain in my feet kept me up. I didn’t want to take advil so i stayed awake and decided to visit my friend (who lives in cook st village area) and ate my first meal which included poutine and a salmon burger with bacon added to it?! Then I was headed out for BBQ later so to work up an appetite I walked the 2 k home from my friend’s because I had a stupid amount of energy and walking was the only time my feet didn’t hurt. That suggested to me I didn’t injure myself but just needed to massage them out. So more walking happened, eating of meat products and stretching/massaging. Then I ate a tub of strawberry sorbet and went to bed at 9:30pm out of sheer exhaustion. You know you hit exhaustion levels when you can sleep through foot pain.

Woke up after 11 hours of sleep, felt hungover (still do), so I'm feeling depressed and sick to my stomach like I went binge drinking the night before. Oh and my favourite part of today was when the fire alarm in my building went off at 9:30am and I had to run up and down flights of stairs with the three hot firemen trying to find a fire that didn’t exist to the sound of an earsplitting fire alarm. But the best part was how I wasn’t wearing a bra and then we went to check out the roof, which I could only get us access to the one side so we had to hop a railing. Which I did in a skirt and ended up flashing the 3 extremely attractive firemen…my life is awesome.

So yeah, despite the hangover type feeling I feel good. My body feels great, clearly no damage was done given today’s aerobic performance…so that is good and not entirely unexpected given my time for the marathon. Obviously I was not pushing myself at all. I think if I did, it would have been a different story.

The thing about all of this is that I feel no sense of accomplishment for completing the marathon. Other people seem more excited for me, like yesterday a random person in the elevator gave me a zucchini plant to celebrate the fact that I had completed my first marathon. I also feel really lazy and unproductive today so I’m kind of beating myself up a bit. I keep trying to tell myself I need to take it easy I just ran a marathon but I feel like such a failure. Like somehow I could have done better. I don’t even think better is quantifiable. It is just the general sense I feel that I’m never good enough.

So yeah, clearly depressed. But to be expected after an event like that I suppose. I feel depleted. I’m sure I will be feeling better in the next couple of days:)

Andrea

The morning after...before meeting the sexy firemen!

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Maybe that wasn't the best time to take a selfie?!

I know most people hate them (I know the @TheCesspit is very vocal about hating them) but I love the selfie.

Actually, I don’t love my selfies because I think I always look like shit in them but I love the concept of the selfie. To me it is living in the moment, and capsulizing that moment of mindfulness in visual form.

"not my fav" selfie

"lost @ Thetis Park by the abandoned car" selfie
 Now I know you may disagree with me, like anything an iPhone enables one to do can’t be a good thing or whatever (because you are like one of those too cool for school technophobes).
And of course, I think you are completely ass backwards in your thinking because I would argue it is the process of taking the selfie that is living in the moment not the actual selfie itself.

At this point you probably call me a narcissistic bitch.
And I will respond in typical irritating Andrea fashion, “why do you only call me a bitch when I disagree with you?”
And then in a completely predictable manner, you will drop the bitch and emphasize my narcissistic qualities. Clearly this goes on for awhile so I interrupt you and say: 

“could you so kindly pull out the DSM 5 from my bookshelf so we can look up the diagnostic criteria for one to be diagnosed a narcissist.”   

And in an extremely polite manner, I will also ensure that you are aware that neither one of us are psychiatrists so we don’t really have any sort of legitimate leg to stand on when it comes to diagnosing narcissism. "But hey, you know what the next best thing is? You proving to me that you can read the English language."

Depending on how your day is going, will largely predict how you next respond.

Option 1: You may shake your head in mild defeat knowing you just can’t win against Andrea logic. I mean it just makes no sense!!

OR

Option 2: you will take a “time out” and go for a walk/run/drink whatever, leaving me to savor my victory of your complete inability to dismiss my love for the selfie!

"the original" selfie
"best of the Qatar trip" selfie

I’m guessing your day has been pretty shit seeing as you are giving me a hard time about the selfie. I mean who really cares about selfies anyways (except both of us in this exact moment!)?!

So you will likely take a time out. And as you open my door to leave, you will hear me running down the hallway towards you yelling “Wait! Wait! Don’t go!”

And it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And you will think, "Finally she has come to her senses!" You are certain that I will apologize and admit to being wrong (selfies are not cool they are a sign of the apocalypse) and I will beg you to stay. And that means you are likely to get some hot makeup sex out of me.

And as I walk slowly towards you looking all cute and adorable with a sheepish look on my face, you thank god for blow jobs, and then I do it.

I take a selfie of us.

"Dude that was awesome!” And I will walk away from you, too busy checking myself out on my iPhone to notice that you haven't left/are leaving...what are you doing exactly?! I've forgotten already.

Well let me tell you, you have a "WTF" type of look of disbelief on your face. I mean I must be fucking with you right?!

And then I remember i didn't lock the door behind you (because I'm OCD like that) and that is when I notice you still standing there, waiting for me to say something that proves I'm not a completely self-absorbed lunatic. 

So I offer up these words to you:

“Thanks for the selfie…um...you can go now?” 

I mean what do you really expect me to say anyways?! I got to go tweet this awesomeness to my followers.

"flyin' in the Helijet" Selfie

***
Other examples of inappropriate times to take a selfie likely include:


  1. Waiting in the ER to get stitches for a minor flesh wound while the dude beside you is probably having a stroke; and 
  2. While your dad is having chemo treatment.

Come to think of it, it is probably good selfie etiquette to not take selfies while at the hospital at any time for any reason.  


"Waiting in the ER w/ a cut off finger tip" selfie