Sunday, May 3, 2015

Maybe that wasn't the best time to take a selfie?!

I know most people hate them (I know the @TheCesspit is very vocal about hating them) but I love the selfie.

Actually, I don’t love my selfies because I think I always look like shit in them but I love the concept of the selfie. To me it is living in the moment, and capsulizing that moment of mindfulness in visual form.

"not my fav" selfie

"lost @ Thetis Park by the abandoned car" selfie
 Now I know you may disagree with me, like anything an iPhone enables one to do can’t be a good thing or whatever (because you are like one of those too cool for school technophobes).
And of course, I think you are completely ass backwards in your thinking because I would argue it is the process of taking the selfie that is living in the moment not the actual selfie itself.

At this point you probably call me a narcissistic bitch.
And I will respond in typical irritating Andrea fashion, “why do you only call me a bitch when I disagree with you?”
And then in a completely predictable manner, you will drop the bitch and emphasize my narcissistic qualities. Clearly this goes on for awhile so I interrupt you and say: 

“could you so kindly pull out the DSM 5 from my bookshelf so we can look up the diagnostic criteria for one to be diagnosed a narcissist.”   

And in an extremely polite manner, I will also ensure that you are aware that neither one of us are psychiatrists so we don’t really have any sort of legitimate leg to stand on when it comes to diagnosing narcissism. "But hey, you know what the next best thing is? You proving to me that you can read the English language."

Depending on how your day is going, will largely predict how you next respond.

Option 1: You may shake your head in mild defeat knowing you just can’t win against Andrea logic. I mean it just makes no sense!!

OR

Option 2: you will take a “time out” and go for a walk/run/drink whatever, leaving me to savor my victory of your complete inability to dismiss my love for the selfie!

"the original" selfie
"best of the Qatar trip" selfie

I’m guessing your day has been pretty shit seeing as you are giving me a hard time about the selfie. I mean who really cares about selfies anyways (except both of us in this exact moment!)?!

So you will likely take a time out. And as you open my door to leave, you will hear me running down the hallway towards you yelling “Wait! Wait! Don’t go!”

And it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And you will think, "Finally she has come to her senses!" You are certain that I will apologize and admit to being wrong (selfies are not cool they are a sign of the apocalypse) and I will beg you to stay. And that means you are likely to get some hot makeup sex out of me.

And as I walk slowly towards you looking all cute and adorable with a sheepish look on my face, you thank god for blow jobs, and then I do it.

I take a selfie of us.

"Dude that was awesome!” And I will walk away from you, too busy checking myself out on my iPhone to notice that you haven't left/are leaving...what are you doing exactly?! I've forgotten already.

Well let me tell you, you have a "WTF" type of look of disbelief on your face. I mean I must be fucking with you right?!

And then I remember i didn't lock the door behind you (because I'm OCD like that) and that is when I notice you still standing there, waiting for me to say something that proves I'm not a completely self-absorbed lunatic. 

So I offer up these words to you:

“Thanks for the selfie…um...you can go now?” 

I mean what do you really expect me to say anyways?! I got to go tweet this awesomeness to my followers.

"flyin' in the Helijet" Selfie

***
Other examples of inappropriate times to take a selfie likely include:


  1. Waiting in the ER to get stitches for a minor flesh wound while the dude beside you is probably having a stroke; and 
  2. While your dad is having chemo treatment.

Come to think of it, it is probably good selfie etiquette to not take selfies while at the hospital at any time for any reason.  


"Waiting in the ER w/ a cut off finger tip" selfie



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