Sunday, July 26, 2015

20 things to blog in 2015 - prelude

So awhile back (probably January) I was flipping through some magazine about food (?) don't ask me the name because I don't remember nor do I remember if it was actually a magazine about food, it may have been a fashion magazine, which seems more likely seeing as I have two subscriptions to fashion magazines and none to food magazines...anyways, what I do remember about this magazine is the silly little list it had in it (see Figure A).

Figure A: Silly little list (source: unknown)
 Why did I think it was silly, well because there was nothing for me to try on it and it reminded me of how different I am then my peers. And I probably got a bit down about it (as being exceptional is what leads to your loneliness), although I'm pretty sure I called J and ranted to her about it before I got all brooding and self-absorbed about it. And then I realized there was probably an opportunity in all of this...although I didn't think that in January, I realized that opportunity now.

What can I say we live life forward and draw meaning from it going backwards (and I pretty much paraphrased that last sentence from the Oliver Sacks biography - so please don't sue me!).

So here is how a rant about a to do list for the mediocrities led to a bunch of random shit that didn't make any real sense at the time but now makes perfect sense 1.25 hours before blog deadline posting for this week.

Random shit loosely linked to the purpose of this blog post:
So, as you may know, I'm taking a Foundations in Holistic Nutrition class because I'm a bit passionate about my eccentric tastes in foodstuffs and there is nothing I enjoy more than gathering information and evidence to back up said eccentric tastes. Yes continuing education for Andrea is about proving Andrea is right and you are wrong.

So I've got just under a month left of my course and I have had some time to think and naturally I come up with an idea that is super efficient as it can help me both study for class and continue to write my blog and totally kick @TheCesspit's ass!

I call it the 3-pronged approach to kicking ass!

So for every item on the 20 things to try list (see Figure A for a refresher)  I'm going to write a blog post. I would like to say that these will be completely informative posts on how to be healthy but let's face it,  you are reading my blog and you know it will turn into some feminist rant about half way through and will contain at least 3 ADHD tangents and at least one selfie. But that is why you love me and love reading my blog isn't it?

So next week will be about Thing #1 "Drink more water" - and below is a picture preview (Figure B) of what that will likely look like. But first a selfie and then the picture preview!

Selfie - coffee break w/ sunshine (and the sun was out too!)

 Preview of next week: "Drink More Water"

Figure B: In our Sunday's best (aka "Drink more water")

Blog at you next week!

xx

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Cool stuff in my orbit this week

Cool Quotes:

"I'm watching two horses attack each other on the street."~ greeting from Paulo at 4am on a Sunday night (I don't think he needed to call me and tell me that, a text message would have sufficed)

Bondage to Rebirth

"As a man's desire is, so is his destiny. For as his desire is, so is his will; and as his will is, so is his deed; and as his deed is, so is his reward, whether good or bad.

A man acteth according to the desires to which he clingeth. After death he goeth to the next world bearing in his mind the subtle impressions of his deeds; and after reaping there the harvest of his deeds, he returneth again to this world of action. Thus he who hath desire continueth subject to rebirth." ~ Brihadaranyaka Upanishad (oh! so that explains all the dictator dreams I've been having...)


Cool websites:

Gastrawnomica  - vegan food and lifestyle website with recipes created by this super rad woman I met in my holistic nutrition class (love meeting cool women who are making a positive change in the world)

Ladyfreethinker - Weekly updated articles on a range of social justice issues, US based (because I just love being a *miserable* sociologist)

Cool artwork:

Photo from www.cuded.com


Cool musician: Hasley - album, Badlands, coming out in August, described as "angry feminist music" (well shit, guess I shouldn't be too surprised I like it...)

Cool spaces: The man cave - this one located in a garage, where the casting couch is just an arm's reach away from some fun sexessories (e.g., rope, saw, duct tape), complete with a mirror on the ceiling (for those of us who like to watch while we are being raped, mutilated and murdered...!)





Sunday, July 12, 2015

Escaping Ghosts

Every now and then, you meet someone who through their interactions with you, show you your true self. For me, this happened while I was visiting Paulo on his compound (an undisclosed location somewhere along the North Saskatchewan/Alberta boarder) a few years back. This person for me was Paulo's cousin, Catlin, who was visiting from Toronto.

Catlin arrived on the 4th day of my visit, she only spent 2 nights at the compound but for me it felt like an eternity. And not because she was intolerable, although she was that too, but because everything she did reminded me of myself only less self aware and way more annoying. She kind of reminded me of me but 10 years younger...let's just say, I wouldn't even talk to myself 10 years ago, can we say bitch much?!
A Google image representation of 1 of 3 rapid dogs who were attacking me in my dream.

It's 3am on a Tuesday and I'm having a nightmare where I'm being chased by three rabid dogs, that look like the mutated offspring if Benji fucked a long-haired dachshund. Needless to say, Paulo's and my drinking shots of tequila and watching old Benji movies tradition seriously needs to be revisited. But you know what else needs to be revisited, showing up at your cousin's compound in the middle of the night with a pack of rescue dogs in tow. And we aren't talking well behaved rescue dogs (are there such things?!), we are talking the type that freak out and start howling at the moon over ANYTHING out of the ordinary. And seeing as these dogs are from the city and they are now in a compound in the middle of fucking nowhere, they are losing their shit!

After I awake and realize I am not being mauled to death by a rabid Benji/dachshund crossbreed, I wonder if Paulo is being mauled because all I'm hearing is this pack of crazy dogs and Paulo yelling. So I storm out of the guest room with the guest shotgun in hand (just in case I need to knock something out, after all, I don't actually know how to shoot one of these things with any sort of accuracy). And I see about 7 dogs of various shapes and sizes jumping with excitement all over Paulo and Paulo's cousin Catlin snapping photos with her iPhone and uploading them to Instagram.

"WTF is going on?!?!" is how I greet this scene of utter bullshit. And of course I look horrid, seeing as I'm still drunk on tequila, my hair looks like a bird nested in it and I'm holding a shotgun.
Both Catlin and I have a love of the selfie.

Paulo starts laughing and introduces me to Catlin.

C: Hey hey. (said in a very annoying singsong voice)

I'm certain I growl at her.

C: I'm sorry if I woke you.

A: If you fucking woke me?!?! You fucking woke me. WTF is with the pound of dogs?!

C: I rescued them!!

A: Why are they here and why won't they shut the fuck up?!

C: They get so excited when they meet new people.

A: Great. Can they go be excited somewhere else where I won't see or hear them? My head is pounding. (Clutch my head dramatically, although everything feels dramatic when tequila is involved.)

C: (jumps in air and claps hands excitedly, the dogs join her) I know what can help with your migraine!!

A: Why are you yelling?!

C: Thai basil!!

A: (hands over ears) your dogs need to shut up.

Paulo: there is no Thai basil up here, there is regular basil.

C: No. It has to be Thai, otherwise it won't work.

A: you know what will work? You all shutting the hell up!

P: Andrea is grouchy, too much tequila.

Catlin and Paulo laugh.

I growl again and go back to bed and pass out instantaneously. I do not have anymore dreams of the rabid Benji/dachshund.

***

The next morning (read: afternoon) I awake to the smell of pancakes, bacon and coffee. It smells like heaven. I forget totally about the night before until I enter the breakfast nook. And there is Catlin whipping up a crazy insanely huge breakfast for us. This is her way of making up for her disruptive behaviour the night before. I forgive her and decide I won't murder her after all.
Catlin has a weakness for shoes as well.

Over breakfast I learn more about Catlin. I find I kind of like her, she's eccentric in a cute and adorable kind of way (perhaps it is all the dogs she has rescued) but mostly it is because she makes yummy food for me and also runs ultramarathons. Running and food, two of my favourite things! Catlin tells me she works as an event planner, her specialty being organizing work events for colleagues, like tailgate parties (still not sure what that is exactly but I suspect it involves hanging out with your coworkers and their cars). And then the conversation takes an odd turn, and surprisingly for once this isn't my doing.

C: I think this dry spell we are having is like the Earth observing Lent.

I spit out my orange juice all over Paulo.

As Paulo goes to clean up, Catlin insists on talking.

C: You know because it hasn't rained for 40 days.

A: I haven't counted the days but I'll take your word for it.

C: But it makes sense because for Lent you deprive yourself of something for 40 days.

A: umm, yeah, no that doesn't make sense.

C: Why not?!

A: Too many reasons to list (I would run out of blog space).

C: So what would you give up for Lent?

A: Not punching people I find annoying. (I smile at Catlin, she gulps and drops her fork).

***

After breakfast, Paulo and I are cleaning up in the kitchen and Catlin is outside somewhere further traumatizing her dogs. And I start going off about Catlin. Paulo says nothing and just listens to me rant.


After 5 minutes of me whining and Paulo not saying a word (which is highly unusual for him), I look over at him and he is just smirking at me.

A: OMG. I'm annoying like Catlin.

I frown, after all I do have the propensity for starting strange conversations. And sure I may not have woken people up with a pound of rescue dogs at 3 in the morning but no doubt I have woken people up by stumbling around drunk at 3 in the morning. I feel very perturbed by the realization that me going off on Catlin is like me going off on myself.

P: (laughs) nonsense! We don't consider you annoying, we consider you eccentric.










Sunday, July 5, 2015

Let's blame Rihanna for all our problems

So one of my readers asked me to write about Rihanna's new video, Bitch Better Have My Money (BBHMM), as she was curious to what my reaction would be...and seeing as I never like to disappoint my fans, I have obliged with the creation of this post.

I will warn you, this is a feminist rant...with a lot of swearing and I may or may not talk about cannibalism...just saying...carrying on...

First, my avid reader sends me a link to the video via Vogue email daily news. Apparently I did receive the same email in my inbox just didn't realize there was a Rihanna video as it required me to scroll for more than a second as it was the fourth post down. See, I only scroll down if the first post catches my attention, unfortunately this did not as it was not about Justin Bieber. Sigh...I suppose not everything can be about the Bieb and his awesome abs all the time...

So here is the image I get when I scroll down...actually I get a gif of a bunch of scantily clad women on top of a boat surrounded by colorful inner tubes and with Rihanna shooting a flare gun into the sky...


 And the following title:  

Rihanna's new video is the scariest thing you will watch today

And teaser:

"Naturally, the video is NSFW because, really, would Bad Gal RiRi have it any other way?"

And a link:

Watch the video

I don't know about you?! But I really want to know what this Vogue "writer" considers the scariest thing I will watch today!! I'm also really intrigued by all the fancy hip youth inspired vernacular in the teaser sentence.

Seriously though, Rihanna anything equates super awesome cool feminist in my mind and NEVER scary; however, I'm not anti-feminist, I'm one of those cute and adorable people that thinks women should not be discriminated against based on their gender. But hey, maybe I'm just being a presumptuous bitch over here and maybe this is a video where Rihanna joins ISIS and goes on a Charleston shooting rampage, that somehow involves colorful inflatable water devices and flare guns....

BTW NSFW means "not suitable for work" and all I got to say to that is, what kind of lame ass work ethic does this "writer" have if watching music videos at work can even remotely be considered acceptable work behaviour. But then I forget, isn't that what all the young hip people are doing right now, going to work and not giving a flying fuck about their jobs so instead of working hard, say writing well crafted and intellectual pieces for Vogue magazine, they instead are just watching Rihanna videos all day. Sorry that was RiRi, my bad. But like why would a young person have it any other way, yo? After all we are just a bunch of bad girls here just wasting away, waiting around to get raped because we're super hot and don't wear skirts to our ankles. Who gives a fuck that it's a fucking heat wave out there, I'm a woman and I don't deserve air conditioning! I deserve to melt like the dog's shit on the pavement!

So naturally, I click on the link because I want to watch this motherfucking video that is the scariest shit I have ever seen and instead I'm taken to another page where the teaser sentence is expanded on by a few more sentences in a vain attempt to sound all pseudo intellectual, after all, young people don't read they like watch videos and stuff. Actually, I'm almost certain  readers would like to just read something that doesn't sound delusional and dated more than anything else, irregardless of their age but WTF do I know, I'm not a super hip Vogue "writer" who is also the Associate Culture Editor of Vogue...

So here is what was written by this "writer" at Vogue:

 After teasing her new music video for “Bitch Better Have My Money” at Sunday night’s BET Awards, Rihanna finally released the complete cinematic seven-minute clip this morning. Directed by Megaforce, the short horror film depicts Rihanna and her posse acting out a wild revenge plot on the wife of RiRi’s accountant who ran off with her money. Watch carefully and you’ll notice the video is replete with references to cult films such as Oldboy (that Goyard trunk in the first shot is just as haunting), Carrie, and even Weekend at Bernie’s. Needless to say, the video is NSFW because, really, would Bad Gal RiRi have it any other way?

Here is the video for you to watch before you keep reading and I spoil it for you.


And so I watch the video and it feels familiar to me. Kind of like one of those crime movies with an all male cast where the woman character (if there is one) is used only as a fuck piece. You know the movies I'm talking about, the ones where the dude gets ripped off by his associate, and to teach him a lesson the dude & his posse kidnap the associate's wife, do some degrading shit to her while holding her hostage until the associate agrees to meet. At the final showdown, the said associate's wife is returned to him in a trunk and then he is tortured, mutilated and killed for punishment for stealing. The money is recovered, lots of blood, the end.The movie probably starred Daniel Craig or Michael Fassbender or some other smoking hot dude that you still want to fuck at the end of the movie because, well, um yeah, they are fucking hot...

So yeah, BBHMM is different only because this time it isn't a bunch of male dudes it is Rihanna and a couple of her female dudes in the leading roles. It's actually kind of an interesting video because it is nowhere near as offensive watching women degrade a woman as opposed to watching a man do it (e.g., Youtube the "singing in the rain" scene from Clockwork Orange) and at one point I even chuckled at the part the Vogue "writer" refers to as the reference to "Weekend at Bernie's"-I'm sorry but it was kind of fucking funny!

Anyways, on a personal note, I would have liked to see more emphasis and time spent on the torture and mutilation of the accountant. Like instead of having his hand cut off, I would have maybe liked to have seen his penis cut off?! Kind of like the end of Hostel 2. But I digress...

Personally, I thought the actor they chose to play the accountant was a brilliant choice and just goes to  illustrate the blatant sexism in the Vogue "writer's" reaction to BBHMM. As the actor is Mads Mikkelsen, the same actor who portrays Dr. Hannibal Lecter on the show Hannibal. And I don't know about you but watching Dr. Lecter torture, mutilate and kill people then carve up and eat them seems a tad more like a horror film this fucking Rihanna video!

But there's the rub, the only horror like element of this whole video is the mere fact that it is being referred to as a horror film where if the gender roles were reversed as they so often are 99.9999% of the fucking time, it would just be considered moderately offensive entertainment!

So there you have it, Vogue reminding me, once again, that I am not equal and I deserve to be discriminated based on my gender, just in case I forgot or something...

So here is what I'm going to do. The next time a guy suggests we have sex because he wants to fuck my hot ass, even though I say I'm not interested and he keeps bringing it up irregardless of the fact that I would rather eat dog shit then have him touch me/look at me/talk to me and if I'm lucky maybe he will try to grope me or corner me in a room and try to intimidate me into having sex with him, after all it is his god given right to have sex with whatever woman he chooses and since when does my fucking opinion matter.  Yes the next time that happens (read: next time I leave the house) I'm going to karate chop him in the fucking face. And when he is crying like a fucking baby on the ground and bleeding everywhere I will look down at him (probably kick him in the balls or something) and say: 

I think you should blame Rihanna and her scary horror video for me not letting you rape me; however, you can thank me for choosing not to cut off your dick and feed it to you even though you are kind of asking for it. 

At this point I will likely spit on him, walk away and get back to work. And who says we don't have equality!!