Note: The best way to survive a weekend with me is to not go away with me in the first place; however, that obviousness aside, I do have a blog post to write (apparently @TheCesspit still thinks he can win this competition!) and seeing as I just spent the weekend away with someone who really didn’t have a choice but to spend time with me (unless she wanted to quit her job?!), I was able to do some real life research for this post (as opposed to my other posts which are entirely made up).
So this past weekend I headed over to the mainland for a work thing. It was a highly productive weekend, not only on the work front but on the blogging front as well. I was able to have the unique experience of seeing how people cope with having me in their space for a whole entire weekend and after interrogating my colleague about how she was feeling about me this weekend she finally agreed to provide me content for my blog if I would agree to stop asking her questions about “our relationship” and agree to have quiet time for the ENTIRE car ride home. It was a large request for the girl who never shuts the hell up but I was feeling at a loss for something to write about this week so I thought I would give it a shot.
And here we go!
Top 5 tips to survive a weekend with Andrea
1. Get two hotel rooms – Apparently this cannot be stressed enough! Thankfully work standards of conduct require us to have separate rooms but if for some reason you aren’t lucky enough to work for a company that follows basic employment standards (or god forbid you hang out with me on purpose for the weekend), do spend the extra money and get your own room. Unless of course you enjoy the following:
a. starting your morning with me singing along to the same song on repeat on my iPod (possibly off key and definitely with made up lyrics);
b. watching me rearrange the order of my clothes hanging in the closet every 5 minutes;
c. having me drink all the complimentary coffee in the room;
d. not allowing any sort of interaction with the strange black box in the room (apparently this box is referred to as a “television”); and
e. having me figure out where the best lighting is in the room so I can take selfies.
2. Get a stick for walking – no, I don’t mean a walking stick. I mean a stick to nudge me in the correct direction while walking. Why will you need a stick? Because I will insist on walking ahead of you, despite the fact I have no sense of direction or idea where I am going, it will be easier than yelling at me all the time telling me which way to go when you can just save your voice and nudge me in the correct direction with a stick.
3. Suggest shopping as an activity – even though I don’t really enjoy shopping, I do seem to enjoy shopping at stores that do no have locations in Victoria. My most recent obsession is Victoria’s Secret, which is odd because I don’t buy “sexy” underwear, unless you consider baggy workout gear, sports bras and oversized t-shirt pyjamas “sexy” but I love this store. I will be lost in that store for a good 2 hours and then I will be so tuckered out I will need a nap after. It is really the best way for you to get some alone time from me for a few hours.
4. Embrace my morning persona – this one is totally unexpected, seeing as I’m notoriously known for not being able to get out of bed in the morning or being functional before 10am but for some reason work events that require me to talk to other humans at insanely early times in the morning brings out the social, chatty, happy morning Andrea in me. I think these work events are the equivalent of letting the dog out of the cage for the day. I coop myself up the majority of the time, these events are like my one chance to be social and network regarding work projects, so I get a bit excited and talkative. If you aren’t a morning person it works well for you, you get the chance to ease into the day while I run around like a 3 year old in need of Ritalin.
5. Take me drinking with you – I know I don’t drink but I will hang out with you while you drink and join in the fun by drinking over-priced sugary mocktails with you. This works well for the following reasons:
a. You get to drink in a non-judgemental environment (it’s me after all, I’ve perfected the functioning alcoholic for many parts of my life, who am I to say what is right or wrong?!);
b. You get a buzz that will automatically make me more fun to be around (my hilarity has a strong correlation with the number of drinks consumed by those around me);
c. It’s pretty funny to watch me get high on sugar-I talk faster and am more likely to say something inappropriately hilarious and then I crash and leave at a reasonable time to let you enjoy the rest of your evening; and
d. You will appreciate my specific type of weird, especially when a drunk American wearing a Detroit Redwings jersey who insists on trying to get your attention despite all your best efforts to ignore him replaces me at the bar.
So there you have it! Tips to survive a weekend with me. Don’t say I never warned you.