Sunday, October 25, 2015

Top 5 tips to survive a weekend with Andrea

Note: The best way to survive a weekend with me is to not go away with me in the first place; however, that obviousness aside, I do have a blog post to write (apparently @TheCesspit still thinks he can win this competition!) and seeing as I just spent the weekend away with someone who really didn’t have a choice but to spend time with me (unless she wanted to quit her job?!), I was able to do some real life research for this post (as opposed to my other posts which are entirely made up).

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So this past weekend I headed over to the mainland for a work thing. It was a highly productive weekend, not only on the work front but on the blogging front as well. I was able to have the unique experience of seeing how people cope with having me in their space for a whole entire weekend and after interrogating my colleague about how she was feeling about me this weekend she finally agreed to provide me content for my blog if I would agree to stop asking her questions about “our relationship” and agree to have quiet time for the ENTIRE car ride home. It was a large request for the girl who never shuts the hell up but I was feeling at a loss for something to write about this week so I thought I would give it a shot.

And here we go!

Top 5 tips to survive a weekend with Andrea

1.     Get two hotel rooms – Apparently this cannot be stressed enough! Thankfully work standards of conduct require us to have separate rooms but if for some reason you aren’t lucky enough to work for a company that follows basic employment standards (or god forbid you hang out with me on purpose for the weekend), do spend the extra money and get your own room. Unless of course you enjoy the following:
a.     starting your morning with me singing along to the same song on repeat on my iPod (possibly off key and definitely with made up lyrics);
b.     watching me rearrange the order of my clothes hanging in the closet every 5 minutes;
c.      having me drink all the complimentary coffee in the room;
d.     not allowing any sort of interaction with the strange black box in the room (apparently this box is referred to as a “television”); and
e.     having me figure out where the best lighting is in the room so I can take selfies.
2.     Get a stick for walking – no, I don’t mean a walking stick. I mean a stick to nudge me in the correct direction while walking. Why will you need a stick? Because I will insist on walking ahead of you, despite the fact I have no sense of direction or idea where I am going, it will be easier than yelling at me all the time telling me which way to go when you can just save your voice and nudge me in the correct direction with a stick.
3.     Suggest shopping as an activity – even though I don’t really enjoy shopping, I do seem to enjoy shopping at stores that do no have locations in Victoria. My most recent obsession is Victoria’s Secret, which is odd because I don’t buy “sexy” underwear, unless you consider baggy workout gear, sports bras and oversized t-shirt pyjamas “sexy” but I love this store. I will be lost in that store for a good 2 hours and then I will be so tuckered out I will need a nap after. It is really the best way for you to get some alone time from me for a few hours.
4.     Embrace my morning persona – this one is totally unexpected, seeing as I’m notoriously known for not being able to get out of bed in the morning or being functional before 10am but for some reason work events that require me to talk to other humans at insanely early times in the morning brings out the social, chatty, happy morning Andrea in me. I think these work events are the equivalent of letting the dog out of the cage for the day. I coop myself up the majority of the time, these events are like my one chance to be social and network regarding work projects, so I get a bit excited and talkative. If you aren’t a morning person it works well for you, you get the chance to ease into the day while I run around like a 3 year old in need of Ritalin.
5.     Take me drinking with you – I know I don’t drink but I will hang out with you while you drink and join in the fun by drinking over-priced sugary mocktails with you. This works well for the following reasons:
a.     You get to drink in a non-judgemental environment (it’s me after all, I’ve perfected the functioning alcoholic for many parts of my life, who am I to say what is right or wrong?!);
b.     You get a buzz that will automatically make me more fun to be around (my hilarity has a strong correlation with the number of drinks consumed by those around me);
c.      It’s pretty funny to watch me get high on sugar-I talk faster and am more likely to say something inappropriately hilarious and then I crash and leave at a reasonable time to let you enjoy the rest of your evening; and
d.     You will appreciate my specific type of weird, especially when a drunk American wearing a Detroit Redwings jersey who insists on trying to get your attention despite all your best efforts to ignore him replaces me at the bar.

So there you have it! Tips to survive a weekend with me. Don’t say I never warned you.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

#10 - It's quality not quantity when it comes to delicious chai

Apparently the goal to aim for when we consume food is quality not quantity...although, I'm sure we could extend that recommendation to pretty much everything we do.

For example, when I go out on one of my famous non-date coffee dates with a lucky individual, I can only hope that the lovely coffee I'm about to consume will be complemented by some lovely shared poetic discourse (i.e., quality) vs. having my eardrums assaulted by a non-stop narrative of a self-involved human who did not have the privilege of being born me (i.e., quantity).

Please note that the only exception to quality not quantity is when I speak. As no matter how much I speak (and it is usually a lot!) it is all gold. You're welcome.

Other things I'm good at? Finding out how to replicate my favourite foods/drinks so I can make them at home and not go broke! Yup, it's true, when I like something, I really like it, to the point where significant amounts of money going into said thing of interest happens that it forces me to figure out a more economical way to get my fix otherwise it's second mortgage time for Andrea!

So this week I figured out how to make the medicinal Chai I can't stop buying from Be Love. Be Love if my favourite restaurant in Victoria on account of it not serving me food that destroys my innards. Basically Be Love is the quintessential place to find food that meets the quality over quantity goal #10. So it comes as no surprise, that Be Love is my go to when I want to eat healthy dessert that I don't have to make first.

#SundaySelfie curling wand fun!

Perfect Saturday night?

Be Love cheesecake, medicinal Chai and a Walking Dead marathon on Netflix!

Is it just me but isn't Daryl Dixon killing and burning zombies for Carol, not the most romantic thing ever?!?!

Sigh...

Now here is the recipe I created that gives you a pretty good replica of Be Love's medicinal Chai without breaking the bank!
1 cup filtered water
1/2 - 1 cup almond milk
1 Tbs goji berries
1 tsp seven medicinal mushroom tincture
1 tsp astragalus tincture
1tea bag chai decaffeinated
1 Tbs honey

Ingredients i use in my chai
 It's totally up to you what ingredients you use to make your medicinal chai, although I would think you would use quality ingredients seeing as we are making something that is supposed to be healthy, but of course you can do what you want, just don't tell me about it because I will judge you harshly!

Step 1 - don't forget to eat the goji berries when you are done!

Steps:

  1. Brew chai in water, with goji berries and tinctures. 
  2. Bring to boil, reduce heat and brew for 5 minutes. 
  3. Add as much almond milk and honey as desired and brew for another 5 minutes.
  4. Strain tea into a mason jar (my preference for taking my drink on the go).
  5. Eat goji berries (full of antioxidants!)
  6. Let tea cool a bit before consuming.

Apparently this drink is used for boosting immunity and fighting colds and flu. Great for this Fall season as we move into Winter :)



 




Sunday, October 11, 2015

#9 It's a Langford Thanksgiving Charlee Black

So #9 stop eating when you are no longer hungry vs when you are full is what is up this week, just in time for Thanksgiving.

Best way to stop overeating? stop celebrating holidays like Thanksgiving! Turkeys let out a collective sigh of relief.

Speaking of turkeys, I'm in the midst of getting ready for Thanksgiving over here. Learning the art of basting and annoying my friends with random text messages, where I demand them to bring me any leftovers that involve homemade apple pie. Yup, I'm continuing my sociological tradition of hanging out with my friend's families over the holidays so I can observe them in their natural surroundings. Needless to say I cycle through friends pretty quickly...

So where is "home" this Thanksgiving? Well this time I've ventured to an area known as Langford. Or as I affectionately refer to as, the Hamilton of Victoria. Why would I do such a thing? Other than to meet my insatiable urge to inflict pain upon myself, well I actually have really good friends who live out here! And sometimes I like to socialize with good friends outside of my comfort zone (read: 5 block radius of my home).

Yes, I'm being adventurous, so much I even took one of those BC transit vehicles out here (read: I took the bus). Another awesome thing about being in a different place is that it gives you ample time to think about your life and your true self. Ok, sure I think about that all the time but it is a lot easier to determine who you really are once you are in a new environment. After all you can't runaway from your self (god knows I have tried!).

So what have I learned? I have learned that I really am a perfectionist but at least I'm getting better at accepting that. For example, I have been tasked with making cranberry sauce. And I have bought enough ingredients to make 2 batches. One to please the experimental foodie in me and the other to please the masses who don't like to try new things. Now everyone can be happy!

Another cool thing I learned was that, you can get a lot of insights into yourself from doing online personality tests on the website Popsugar.

It all started because I was trying to sort out a character name for the Asshole English Editor role in the romcom I'm developing, you know, "Mediterranean Diet" (see blog post for synopsis of rom com). Anyways, I stumbled across the hipster baby name generator and quickly decided to see what I would get.

Turns out the actual name for the Asshole English Editor will be Paradox Rudram because he is super complex and shit.

So basically I'm hooked. I mean I'm in the suburbs of Langford surrounded by these things called "trees" what else am I'm going to do? Other than focus on cranberry sauce making and waiting for my homemade apple pie to arrive.

So next quiz up is what type of bridesmaid are you? Given that the idea of marriage brings forth the idea of prison in my mind, I'm curious to find out how accurate this quiz is.

Basically I'm a planner it tells me. Some sort of Katherine Hegel Type A personality type who doesn't have time for love but really seems to have lots of time focusing on trying to control her environment...it's true I do like to plan stuff out (some would say obsessively plan stuff out, I would just say I'm being thorough). Semantics.

Then there is "Who is your romance novel boyfriend?" and seeing I have zero time for love what type of boyfriend would I have if magically one was to appear?

Answer Christian Grey. Whose that you wonder? 50 Shades of Grey that's who. Yup, apparently I'm attracted to very fucked up men who are professionally successful and are into S&M...so the control freak likes to be controlled in bed...thank god there is no video evidence of that!

Then I move onto "what mother daughter duo are you?" and my result is Sally and Betty Draper...Mad Men, and now things are just getting eerie.

Langford and eerie? Who thought the two would go together so nicely?! Well after a night of watching documentaries on demon wolves and eating way too much sugar and dreaming about friends who decided to turn their loft into a night club because their favourite lesbian night club, cunt, just closed down, I think I'm just going to step away from the internet who seems to know me so well at this moment...and I'm going to go research recipes for cranberry sauce.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Write at you next week :)

Langford Selfie w "trees" in the background



Sunday, October 4, 2015

A love poem for my estranged soulmate

Happy Sunday my fellow readers. I've decided to take a break this week from writing about the top 20 list of boring ass shit to try for 2015 and write a poem instead! So before I trigger another international incident, please hear me out first, this post will not disappoint!

Saturday night selfie - snuggled up watching Scandal

Now I know what you are thinking..."should we be concerned about Andrea? I mean she wrote a poem?!"
Just a cool picture with no real relevance to this post, other than both are cool.
It's true, poetry writing for me tends to emerge from my more stressful moments (i.e. more resource intensive moments). Moments where the experience is best worked through writing poetry than prose. Poetry, I find, always helps me identify the root of the problem, the actual emotion that needs to be worked through. As opposed to prose that transcribes an experience in intellectual form, never quite encapsulating the visceral energy imprint of the event (i.e., the emotional component). 

And with all experiences we have to work through, there is an intellectual and an emotional component we have to deal with.
Kind of sick of dealing with child Andrea and all her shit!
So yes, this past week was a bit trying for me. And for anyone who is close to me (within a 10 foot radius of me) they got the pleasure of watching me work through it. And I want to take a moment of gratitude here. And give a sincere thank-you to all those who played a part in my healing process this week, I hope you know who you are and that I appreciate you so very much for helping me make sense of everything whirling around me. It was a strange one for me.

In addition to the thanks I give the awesome humans I surround myself with, I do need to give thanks to myself. Shocking I know. However, my new daily practice I've adopted, you know that whole living a balanced life thing? Yes, for reals I'm doing this! A life of balance has made this stress much more bearable than a previous Andrea (see Version 1.0) could have possibly experienced. So I thank me for finally getting my shit together.

And yes, this movement of extremes to balance in my life is definitely the topic for a #futureblogpost. This is just not that blog post.  

Instead here is the poem! And to all you haters (i.e., literary snobs), it's an Andrea poem, so relax, I'm not claiming to be a poet over here, I'm just being me. So deal already!


To my estranged soulmate

This life:
an illusion continuing to crumble.

This life:
Soon to be shattered and broken
fragile bits strewn across a kitchen floor.

But how many parts still need to fall before our realization,
nothing is there?

How many times do we need to be reborn?
To learn the lesson:
Timing is never right,
if one of us is always carving off a limb to be with the other.

Now we seem to be waiting out the passing of time.
To free us from the safety of the cages we confine ourselves to.
Erode our edges so we can finally slide into one another.
Further refinement of our perfect selves.

But I see you now.
All you need to do is open your eyes
And you will see me too.

Then we will remember the safety we felt when we were together.
Because I don’t want us to wait another life
To hear the angels sing the dreams our souls yearn for.

 ~ AK Gregg ~ October 3, 2015

I think there are stars in the multi-verse?!

Best Jesus Discovery* this week:

Remember all those squats I've been doing that have built up my gluteal muscles (i.e., squats made my ass grow) and made me not be able to fit into a lot of my pants and skirts? Well turns out it is a good thing. Not only do I have an awesome ass (obvs) but I can now wear all my old Jacob pants I haven't been able to fit into for the past few years! So turns out I have a whole new wardrobe without having to spend any money (or have to go out and shop and be around humans)!

Yay for me hording my old Jacob clothes! 

Jacob pants I can wear again!
* for those just tuning in, "Jesus Discovery" is one of my blog's top key word search terms...