Sunday, January 31, 2016

Fan mail - cartoons of my blog

This past week I received some fan mail from one of my lovely readers who enjoyed my last blog post so much he drew me a cartoon (see below).

I'm not sure about the whole angels and demons thing (horrible Tom Hanks movie?!) but I did appreciate the sentiment.

I had mentioned to said fan that I've been obsessing about a job competition, I'm doing my typical Andrea overthinking thing and still have not finished my written assignment, which is due tonight at midnight (same time as this blasted blog post).

Clearly my priorities could be better aligned. Anyways, below is the picture I got in response to my OCD job related whining. I hope my written assignment turns out better than that resume depicted down there!! ugh. So short post tonight, back at you next week, when hopefully I have organized my time a bit better than this!

Sunday, January 24, 2016

More proof I'm not evil

Hello my lovely readers! I'm sending you this at the 11th hour because I feel like I'm still recovering from the crazy busy week I've had but I just couldn't leave you hanging (plus we can't let the evil Rudram win this blog competition).

So today was a good day. And not because I'm alive and it was beautiful out and I got to connect with a lot of the lovely people in my life today but because I did something today, that provides us further proof that I'm not evil.

I saved an old person.

It's true, contrary to popular belief, I do believe that all lives are worth saving not just mine.

So here is how my heroic act went down. It started with me on my way home after finishing up a workout at the gym. There are multiple ways for me to head home from my gym and today I wondered what makes me take the path I do. I wonder if there is something I'm avoiding (always start with the negative) or maybe there is something inside me that calls me to take a certain path home. I've never felt super in tune with my inner voice when I take my journey home, other than I'm pretty sure it directs me to the path were less people seem to tread. Apparently, I don't like to be around people?!

So today, I took a less traveled path (i.e., less humans around) and I came across an old person who had fallen in the road. Her friend was trying to help her up, albeit unsuccessfully, and then the light changed and traffic starts moving and both of these people are in the street and in that moment, I thought:

I better go help these people because no one else is around and I really don't want to watch some old person's head get squashed like a watermelon in the street. Not only am I sure that would be unpleasant to watch, I also really need to get home and eat (just worked out yo!) and no doubt being a witness to manslaughter would hold up my feeding schedule.

So off I ran into the street, nicely nudged the friend aside (no I didn't body check her!) and grabbed the fallen woman's hand and tried to pull her up but she was resisting. And I said something super authoritative like, "grab my hand, hold on to me, I'm going to pull you up, we need to get you out of the street." And so she stopped resisting and let me help her up. Yay! Bloodbath averted!

So as the three of us got situated on the sidewalk, I had to make sure everyone was ok. After all, falling down in a street and almost being hit by traffic can be construed as a traumatic event by some humans. Everyone says they are fine. I offer to walk them wherever they are going if they need assistance (yes, I offered to put off nourishing myself for these humans). They say they are fine.

All I can do is offer my help, I cannot force them to take it. They recognize this and the friend says to me: "Thank you for your help, your mother raised you right."

And I reply, "I'm so going to tell my mom you said that, no one ever tells her that!" After all, my mother raised me and I'm a bit of an asshole sometimes.

But not in this moment. Nope, in this moment I'm pretty sure I'm good.

Inner Mongolia Selfie (i.e., I think someone hacked my iPhotos selfie)

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Sex in the stairwell

You know how everyone says it's good for you to get outside once and awhile? Like holding up in your condo all weekend is a bad thing, or something. Well sometimes it is just better to stay indoors. True story.

Sure it all sounds good and lovely to get some fresh air, and maybe hanging out in your patio garden isn't enough fresh air for you and you're feeling adventurous. Perhaps you are thinking, maybe i will walk up and check out the rooftop patio this condo of mine has. And off you go, what a fun exciting adventure this will be.

Two minutes later, you find yourself on the rooftop, checking out your surroundings-basically stretches of tar sprinkled with seagull shit. In fact there is so much seagull shit up there you a) remember why you never go up to the rooftop in the first place, and b) wonder what the fuck was the point of installing those bird spikes for the building; sure it prevents shit falling on people milling about on the sidewalk below but who gives a fuck about them, you're the one who now has to look at the shit on the rooftop every time you go up there, which thankfully is rare.

Because you are sure you will never go back up to this rooftop anytime soon (thinking 2017?! maybe you could make it an annual thing?) you decide to take a few more minutes to "enjoy" the scenery. Then a seagull flies by, dropping a big shit 3 meters away from you. Your eardrums are briefly assaulted by the sound of the curdled milky white substance splattering on the tar, and that is when you decide you have had enough. Fuck this nature shit, you are going back to your condo and you are going to watch some Netflix.

So off you go, feeling pretty good about your decision to hermit it out for the rest of the weekend, but when you exit the roof, just inside the door you are greeted by a pale white ass pounding away at another pale white ass pressed up against the stairwell railing. The exact railing you passed walking up to the roof not even 5 minutes ago. And in that moment you have a lot of gratitude for your obsessive need to apply hand sanitizer after you touch everything that is not located in the safety of your condo. Apparently you really could be touching a spot some dude just jizzed all over.

After your moment of gratitude, you yell out, in a voice that is probably louder than is required given the intimate nature of the situation you just stumbled upon:

"For the love of God man!!"

Naturally the pale white ass detaches from the other pale white ass, and you move your eyes to the face of the ass to avoid the slightly more awkward experience of staring at some dude's rock hard cock. And of course it is not just some dude, oh no, that would be better wouldn't it? And clearly this story doesn't know how to get better.

"Oh hey it's my neighbour" the man says introducing his girl friend. Naturally the girl is horrified, struggling to pull her shirt low enough to cover herself.

Yup this is your neighbour, and not just the type of neighbour that you only nod acknowledge, nope, he is the type that you have a set of spare keys for. Yup you are tight, but not tight like he has nailed your ass to the wall type of tight.

You are almost sure you can hear the sound of your eyes blink. Is this shock? Then everyone laughs. Like laughs a lot.

"Well, this is awkward..."


"Ok, I'll leave you two to it."

And off you go, back to your comfy safe and sterile condo, where hand sanitizer is in abundance and you can finish your marathon of that you have gotten the seagull shit and stairway sex experiences out of the way for the day. It is quite possible, you may never leave your condo again.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Relationships: predictions for 2016

I know 2016 will be an interesting year for relationships when my original New Year's Eve plan was to stay home and clean my washroom. In all fairness, my washroom was really unclean (like freshman boy in Uni dirty!) and I thought that having a clean washroom would be a good start to the new year!

However, the universe had other plans for me. Yes, apparently the universe would like me to be more social in 2016. My invitation to be social came through a friend's text at approximately 6pm NYE asking me if I would like to go to a house party (vegan pajama party) followed by the Watch Night Service at 11pm at Christ Church Cathedral.

You know you can probably predict that you will be living a simple single life for 2016 when you're more excited about attending a church service than hanging out at a house party for NYE.

Despite my desire to be a hermit, I decide to join my friend if for nothing else other than to be a good friend (I suppose I can clean my bathroom the following day). Naturally, I dress for the pajama party in skinny jeans and a Victoria's Secret camisole top underneath a striped cardigan, curled my hair and did my make up. My logic being that this is what one wears to bed when they spend the night out drinking to black out.

At the party no one gets the outfit (apparently vegans don't drink to black out) and I'm a tad reluctant to take my jacket off because it suggests to the casual observer that I plan on staying and hanging out for awhile. And while I'm trying to be a good friend, feeling horribly introverted and really wishing I stayed home to clean my bathroom, I meet a guy at this party. This guy for some reason, keeps talking to me and I think, his energy doesn't suck, I'll hang out with him for awhile and see where this goes.

Well despite our conversation he seemed to really like me. And I will be honest here, I was not trying to be normal if anything I was trying this thing where I embrace my weird awkward self. Yes, it is true, I brought up cannibalism (when don't I do that?!), talked about how I could do yoga in front of a wall of guns and find it calming (long story, too long for blog post) and how I had to leave the party early because I had a date with God.

Naturally, my God comment stopped the conversation. Apparently God isn't known to date mortals?! I explain that this is why I'm dressed up, because I'm going to Church later to hang out with God and God likes it when I dress up for him...well if that last comment doesn't turn someone off, I'm not sure what does (cannibalism?!). Obviously this guy is different because we exchange numbers and decide to hang out again.

Now we are into 2016 and I've gone out with guy twice more. I like him, he is cool, smart, funny, laid back, nice to look at...nothing wrong with him yet, other than he seems to really like me.

And this is when i come to know, quite intimately, my relationship issues. Issues have two main components, the intellectual side and the emotional. Intellectually, I know I'm awesome, I'm worthy of love and I'm a good person. Emotionally, I still occasionally get blocked.

It's true, sometimes a guy I like tells me he thinks I'm a good person and I will just break down in tears because I just don't feel good. Other times, I'm complimented and I take it in stride. What does it mean? It means I'm living life. It is never just up and there will always be downs and in relationships there is no exception.

We all have issues, some of us are more self aware than others, some of us write blogs about our issues and some of us haven't yet realized our issues. And it is ok. Because we all have our own path and our own journey. There is no point critisizing others or pointing out where they could improve because we have our own improvement to do and people see their issues and deal with them when they are ready not when we harass them enough.

All we need to do, is do our work on ourselves, be the best human we can be in that moment, and show up to the party. The rest takes care of itself. Or as I like to say, let the gods decide what happens from there. I don't need to worry about outcomes, I don't need to worry about me and my cute, adorable, awkward self, I just need to be me and keep working on my issues.

And you know what, I'm not as worried as a previous Andrea would be. I'm just enjoying getting to know this new person in my life and I've let go of my expectations regarding outcomes. My only expectation is to my self, to be mindful of my relationships with others and my internal processes and to keep doing the work. The rest takes care of itself.

Relationship predictions for 2016...yes, there will be some of those!
And yes, you are rewarded with this selfie!