Sunday, January 17, 2016

Sex in the stairwell

You know how everyone says it's good for you to get outside once and awhile? Like holding up in your condo all weekend is a bad thing, or something. Well sometimes it is just better to stay indoors. True story.

Sure it all sounds good and lovely to get some fresh air, and maybe hanging out in your patio garden isn't enough fresh air for you and you're feeling adventurous. Perhaps you are thinking, maybe i will walk up and check out the rooftop patio this condo of mine has. And off you go, what a fun exciting adventure this will be.

Two minutes later, you find yourself on the rooftop, checking out your surroundings-basically stretches of tar sprinkled with seagull shit. In fact there is so much seagull shit up there you a) remember why you never go up to the rooftop in the first place, and b) wonder what the fuck was the point of installing those bird spikes for the building; sure it prevents shit falling on people milling about on the sidewalk below but who gives a fuck about them, you're the one who now has to look at the shit on the rooftop every time you go up there, which thankfully is rare.

Because you are sure you will never go back up to this rooftop anytime soon (thinking 2017?! maybe you could make it an annual thing?) you decide to take a few more minutes to "enjoy" the scenery. Then a seagull flies by, dropping a big shit 3 meters away from you. Your eardrums are briefly assaulted by the sound of the curdled milky white substance splattering on the tar, and that is when you decide you have had enough. Fuck this nature shit, you are going back to your condo and you are going to watch some Netflix.

So off you go, feeling pretty good about your decision to hermit it out for the rest of the weekend, but when you exit the roof, just inside the door you are greeted by a pale white ass pounding away at another pale white ass pressed up against the stairwell railing. The exact railing you passed walking up to the roof not even 5 minutes ago. And in that moment you have a lot of gratitude for your obsessive need to apply hand sanitizer after you touch everything that is not located in the safety of your condo. Apparently you really could be touching a spot some dude just jizzed all over.

After your moment of gratitude, you yell out, in a voice that is probably louder than is required given the intimate nature of the situation you just stumbled upon:

"For the love of God man!!"

Naturally the pale white ass detaches from the other pale white ass, and you move your eyes to the face of the ass to avoid the slightly more awkward experience of staring at some dude's rock hard cock. And of course it is not just some dude, oh no, that would be better wouldn't it? And clearly this story doesn't know how to get better.

"Oh hey it's my neighbour" the man says introducing his girl friend. Naturally the girl is horrified, struggling to pull her shirt low enough to cover herself.

Yup this is your neighbour, and not just the type of neighbour that you only nod acknowledge, nope, he is the type that you have a set of spare keys for. Yup you are tight, but not tight like he has nailed your ass to the wall type of tight.

You are almost sure you can hear the sound of your eyes blink. Is this shock? Then everyone laughs. Like laughs a lot.

"Well, this is awkward..."


"Ok, I'll leave you two to it."

And off you go, back to your comfy safe and sterile condo, where hand sanitizer is in abundance and you can finish your marathon of that you have gotten the seagull shit and stairway sex experiences out of the way for the day. It is quite possible, you may never leave your condo again.


  1. You're making this upright...ah, I mean up - right? Ok, so no. Then, didn't you even give them their scores: originality, position, form, speed, distance? i mean, they really, uhm, put themselves out for you....
    oh, and, I like your rooftop reverie; descriptive in extreme - I could almost picture myself there!