Sunday, February 21, 2016

And there goes February...

February is generally my least favourite month, especially in Victoria. It is grey, like smokestacks dumping toxic fumes into the sky, kind of grey. Dismal really. It pretty much sucks the life out of me. I feel exhausted the majority of the time and would really just prefer to stay in bed for this month.

Unfortunately, I have that mortgage thing that needs to get paid off, which generally means going to work and doing that work thing, so I kind of need to not lie in bed all the time...

So how do I manage?

Well Andrea version 1.0 probably would have drank a lot or just buried herself in school & work hoping one day she would just magically wake up and it would be March and February would just be like waking up from a really bad dream. Stings for a bit and then you forget about it because you don't have to go back there, it's not "real," it's a dream. Unless of course February is best conceptualized as a re-occurring nightmare, which kind of sucks because that is really just what being depressed is like.

So how does Andrea version 2.0 deal? Well, first off, accepting that February is going to be a challenge is a great first step. Why deny it?! February is kind of dreary anyways but it is more so when you are me and you are depressed.

Acceptance is kind of important to me because it gives me a chance to plan, my plan of action for dealing with this crappy month. Now, I'm pretty in tune with myself, that I could tell back in September that this was going to be a rough winter and that I would probably need to find a pretty solid way to deal with it. And so, Hawaii happened.

And while everyone was feeling super jealous I was in Hawaii for a week, I encouraged those same people that the only reason I was in Hawaii was so I could make it through the month of February. So if a vacation that gives you a break from thinking about suicide is your idea of a fun time, I have to say, you need to work on finding a better definition of fun. Now it is not that I didn't enjoy my time in Hawaii, I did, it's fucking Hawaii after all but it is kind of hard to enjoy your entire 24/7 Hawaiian experience when you know you are only there because it really is just one of the many tools in your tool box that you utilize in the hopes that you will make it through the month alive. Personally, I would rather stay in rainy grey Victoria if it means I don't feel so depressed I need to flee the country to some sunny local in order to survive it.

And yes confessing all this feels super annoying to me, like some how I should be better than that and not be depressed and be able to magically cure myself by simply hoping on a plane to Hawaii but I can't. And really none of us can do that. If we could simply do that, there would be no depressed people. Obviously, not the case.

And so, when you ask me how my trip to Hawaii was, I want you to know that behind that glorious smile of mine and basic banter I throw at you (don't want anyone to feel too uncomfortable) I'm really just jealous of you. As if your biggest concern is whether or not you can get away for a vacation. Because I know nothing is that simple but god I really wish it was. I really wish for all of us that our biggest concern is whether or not we can afford to go on that vacation and escape for a bit and not whether or not we will be here tomorrow. Because the latter is depression and I don't wish that on anyone.

And so I will keep on smiling and pretending in the vain hope that one day I wake up, February is over, the fog of depression has lifted, and I don't have to try so hard anymore.

And if you read this and any of this rings true to you and you need to reach out to someone but you feel like there is no one, please know I am always here for you. You are not alone. This feeling will pass and you will feel better again. I promise. We will get through this together.


Lionel Richie knows things get better...hello!

Happy in Hawaii (it's all window dressing)

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