Sunday, March 27, 2016

So remember when...another Easter adventure

So remember when I said a couple of blog posts ago that the blog competition between the @TheCesspit and I would be changed from once a week to every other week? Well that is still the competition but I will be posting every week.

Now why on Earth would I commit to that after my careful negotiation with @TheCesspit to change the parameters of our competition? Well that is an excellent question!

The answer is simple: my fans were unimpressed.

Apparently me switching my posting from every week to every other week was seen as "an inability to commit" and just another example of my abandonment issues. Apparently my fans are a tad over dramatic (no wonder they like reading my posts?!).

But seriously, just yesterday I received a strongly toned message from one of my loyal readers who I quote (I shouldn't quote because I don't remember the exact wording but it was kind of like this):

"You have fans all over the world who rely on you! Some of us just finished a really shitty week and look forward to Sundays when you post and now we find out you aren't posting regularly!! It is very disappointing, people want to know what you have to say and it's like you don't even care anymore!!!"

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by this response given the fan mail I had received last year from that gaggle of gals in Alaska who felt betrayed that I posted about access to guns/mental health services instead of my previously promised blog topic post regarding the importance of drinking clean water....true story.

Seeing as it is Easter, all I can do is admit I was wrong and ask for your forgiveness.  After all, I honestly didn't realize the negative impact my decision to post less frequently would have on others. Mostly because I wasn't thinking about others when I made the decision. Nope I was thinking just about me (shocking I know). Yes, I was being selfish. So in an effort to correct another one of my past wrongs, I will go back to posting every Sunday for you my lovely and loyal readers. I will make this sacrifice for you, kind of like Jesus dying on the cross for your sins, I will do this for you.

I'm sorry that was a horribly inappropriate comparison wasn't it?! But it is Easter weekend and you didn't want this post to go by without me mentioning my favourite dude ever, Zombie Jesus! And no I don't think Zombie Jesus is offensive he is fucking cool. See zombies are in right now (well for me they are always in so I'm not sure if this can be taken as a factual statement) and so is Jesus, so naturally I will merge the two. So please get over yourself and your moral superiority and just revel in the fact that all over the world right now people are celebrating Jesus (which some of us affectionately refer to as Zombie Jesus). And that is just cool.

And why is that cool?

Because Jesus is about love. And right now how can we, as a world, not want to get behind the idea of being loving and kind to one another? Honestly being any other way is the true offense. So Happy Easter, I will continue my weekly blogging, everyone is happy. The End.

Now go eat a chocolate bunny and enjoy this selfie...

First selfie with my new iPhone 6 :)

Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Rebirth of the Blogger

Happy Spring! In Traditional Chinese Medicine this is the season of liver/wood- the time to detox/cleanse one's self, a time for growth and renewal. To move from the cold (yang) of winter and transition towards the warmth (yin) of summer. A time of great energy that can lead to some glorious happenings or destructive...just depends where you are on your journey.

And speaking of journey...liver represents your life plan, so spring is a good time to reassess your goals, your path and make necessary adjustments. What's working, what isn't? Time to let go of things that no longer serve you. It's basically the time for some Spring cleaning.

For me, back in December 2012, I decided to make an intentional decision to leave behind my destructive tendencies and evolve into something new (see Andrea version 2.0). Something more pure, healthier...a human who respects her self and the world around her...completely...none of this half ass-ed sitting on the fence bullshit, we are talking all in kind of commitment.

Part of this involved learning the art of compassion, kindness and forgiveness.  Not just towards others but towards myself. None of which has been easy, after all I've been known to be a very judgmental and angry person at times...I had to learn how to open my heart and let love in completely, feel love, return and receive it and continue that cycle indefinitely. Preferably without hurting myself in the process, which there was a lot of hurt and still is, just less so now...

You don't just decide to make a decision to be better and then everything is better. No, first you need to identify your destructive tendencies, examine them (obsessively) and get to the root of them in order to overcome them. Then you create new patterns and relearn life through this new healthy gaze. It takes time to relearn a lifetime full of suffering and emptiness and see it through the eyes of love.

And it isn't easy but nothing is easy really. Things just feel easy when you are really drunk or high or whatever (relationships can be this crutch too) but then you sober up and you are left with this crushing pain that is so unbearable you just pick up the proverbial bottle and start the self-destructive cycle all over again.

But guess what people? Easy is an illusion. Basically what you want is a life full of purpose, a life worth living (read: a life you don't need to pick up the bottle to get through) and that isn't easy, that is being intentional and that is a life of work.

And work is not your crappy job, it is not hard but it's not easy either. Work is what you are designed to do. And you are doing that 24/7. Work is not what you want to to do but what you need to do. If you are in tune with the universe/the Spirit/God (whatever you want to call the power that you believe in that is greater than yourself) your wants and needs are the same thing.

However, if you never seem to get what you want (or what you think you need) and if things feel hard, and you are tired of life and need the self destruction patterns to get through it, that is because you are doing what you want and not what you need. And you have not learned the difference. And rest assured, we are always in a continual state of learning this difference. Just some of us are actively taking courses and others haven't even bothered to enroll yet.

So I'm in school. I'm learning. And it's exciting. This school is life and right now I'm I'm enrolled in an intensive study of the growth of my spiritual self. And I've opened doors I never thought I would open or could have opened for me and it is miraculous, there is no other word to describe the feeling I have for my life right now.

And I know this is all vague (and perhaps a bit cheesy and cliched?!), so in an effort to be clear and basically "out myself", I will say that my journey has taken me to Church (total cliche I know!!). For those of you joining in now, this may not seem paradoxical to you but for those of you who have known me a bit longer (longer than 6 months?!?!) I will wait now for you to pick yourself up off the floor, let that shock wear off, before I continue...

For those who know me, know I have had some serious Church trauma in my past and for the majority of my life I have been a very vocal skeptic of organized religion and god (Read: I was a judgmental asshole to all those who went to Church and identified as Christian/believed in god).

So now that I've gotten that off my chest [breathes sigh of relief] I will say that I'm really enjoying this path right now. And it is simple as to why I enjoy it, because it is a path of love and non-judgement and if there is anything we need more now than ever it is those two things! The Church I attend, the people I have met along the way, have been so supportive (compassionate) and helpful in my journey of self-discovery. I have no idea where this path is headed...does this mean I'm being a Christian, becoming a Christian, or overthinking everything (definitely overthinking!!). I have a lot of issues to work through when it comes to my spiritual journey (and that whole Jesus thing), but I am excited about finding out where it takes me.

So if you read my blog because of either of the following reasons:
a) you are a member of my family/friend tier and know that I will quiz you on my blog the next time I see you;
b) you think I'm amazing, awesome and a damn good writer and you don't care what I write as long as I keep writing;
c) you really like my selfies;
d) you identify as agnostic and are just interested in reading about this gal's spiritual journey;
e) you are Christian, becoming Christian, or ex-Christian and you feel like reading about the subject of Christianity.

[I think that covers the the entire human population]

So yes, if you picked any of those above-mentioned reasons, keep reading this blog, otherwise it is probably best we part ways for now. After all, the days of me writing about cocaine, hooker and hot tub orgies* are over and it is all about the faith journey now. 

* Ok my life was never that interesting but I think you get what I'm saying?!

And now for a quote:

“You are the light of the world.
A city on a hill cannot be hidden.
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.
Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before all humans, that they may see your good deeds and give thanks to the Creator.” Matthew 5:14-16 AGB*

*that’s my interpretation of the Bible

and now for a selfie...


Sunday, March 6, 2016

Food, friends, blog competitions and the introvert's brain


Saturday night I’m out for dinner with my good friend @TheCesspit, catching up after several weeks of misses (read: me bailing due to feeling too sick to run and hence socialize?!). So what’s new in our lives? Actually a better question is what is new in my life?

After all, for me to answer the former question of the two it would mean that I was listening and comprehending our conversation over dinner, which is about as likely as me not having the attention span of a rat jacked up on stimulants and who is now being electrocuted at 2 second intervals for the duration of the evening. What does that mean exactly?

Well, it means I was in full on Andrea mode Saturday night. ADHD to the max baby. So every time something moved, it caught my eye and my thoughts followed. Which wouldn’t be as bad if I were an extrovert, as apparently extroverts process information in a linear fashion, whereas introverts (read: me) process the same information through a neural network so dense it resembles a chaotic intertwined ball of yarn. Basically my brain processes information by taking the scenic route. And since I’m ADHD, it is like I’m driving a really sweet sports car with zero understanding of what putting on the breaks is.

Yes my brain does weird shit like that.
And so Saturday night, hanging out at my packed upscale Vegan restaurant with my good friend whom I haven’t talked to in weeks is overwhelming to say the least. So overwhelming I’m actually impressed I was able to have any semblance of a conversation with him.  I am still Andrea though (read: perfectionist with a god complex) so I’m never entirely happy that I can’t give him the full attention our friendship deserves.  And I will hide my disappointment at myself underneath a glorious covering of OTT humour because maybe if I can make him laugh it won’t be such an awful experience that he will end up rejecting me as a friend and never speak to me again.

That last sentence is ridiculous. Intellectually I know that thought is such incredible diluted childish bullshit that if I actually thought that, like BELIEVED that, my ego would reach such incredible heights, we would have to redefine the notion of Kanye West. 

Impossible.

Emotionally the thought of me being rejected because of me being me hardly has an impact anymore. I mean the thought is there (we just read it up above) but it doesn’t permeate as often anymore. It mostly floats by my consciousness and dissipates into the fog of modern society.  Until it gathers and takes shape again and tries once again to get me to latch onto it.

The notion of rejection, in all its misunderstood fucked up-ness, knows it doesn’t get very far when it comes to my friends; the ones who know my deep dark shadow self and accept me for me anyways. After all, despite all my previous transgressions, I’m still pretty fucking hilarious, I mean who can reject that?!

So how does this Saturday night end? Well two good friends did get to catch up over a lovely meal. And I did receive a text message later from @TheCesspit, which indicated that the evening was in fact not awful and that no regrets were had over being in my presence for said evening.

Oh and we negotiated a new challenge for the blogging competition, you know that competition that began 3 Decembers ago and doesn’t ever seem to end…

Blog posts are now only required every other week by Sunday at Midnight. Sure we can continue to do one a week, hell we could do one a day if we wanted but still that would only count towards our every other week blog post quota.

So, now you know why last week’s blog post didn’t happen (save the hate mail please!) and know you know why next week’s isn’t going to happen. And that is your latest Andrea update!

 And now for the selfie...